Today right after basketball, my phone's LCD conked out for no apparent reason, I finished playing at around 10:30pm, Originally I was supposed to go out to encore with a bunch of friends, as you can see my phone conking out proved to be a problem. I didn't have any of their numbers so as early as now, I'm sorry Christi and Gelli but I'll make it up to you guys. Now normally other people would just take this as a sign to stay home, I on the other hand tried my best to find a way out of it. 1 of the reasons of course is because I had already given my word to my friends saying that I would join them but I think the bigger reason is because I didn't want to be at home alone when I had absolutely nothing to do at home and I wasn't even tired yet. Then I realized,
I'm afraid of being alone.
Do I not like myself that much that I can't even bear the thought of being alone by myself for 1 night, I mean obviously I've done this before, I live in my own condo but what gets me the most is that usually when I do stay at home I'm usually extremely tired, Exhausted to the point of collapsing or I have something that I have to do at home. Today however I have absolutely nothing planned, and I'm seriously terrified of being here. I honestly don't get it, I've been living by myself for almost 2 and a half years now, well sort of, the house I lived in for about 2 years was full of other house mates. for 5 months or so though I have been living completely alone. Which bring me to yet another stunning realization about myself that the reason why I'm rarely single is because I'm afraid of being alone. I jump from one relationship to the next and I think this is the only time that I'm truly single, what I mean by that is that I'm not dating anyone, I'm not TRYING to date anyone, or I'm not getting anywhere with anyone and it's gotten me completely terrified. What am I so scared of? If there are any psychiatrists reading this blog is there a name for this condition? What am I supposed to do? Please if you know anything don't hesitate to let me know. I want to fix this, I know I'm sociable but this is just insane. I don't want to be alone with myself. I'm scared of the things I'll think of, I don't want my mind to be idle because the minute I do the pains of the past start to seep in and I don't want to be caught in that slump again.
I miss my phone.
MNL48 Weekly 5/25/2018
2 days ago