Solitude

I'm terrified.

Today right after basketball, my phone's LCD conked out for no apparent reason, I finished playing at around 10:30pm, Originally I was supposed to go out to encore with a bunch of friends, as you can see my phone conking out proved to be a problem. I didn't have any of their numbers so as early as now, I'm sorry Christi and Gelli but I'll make it up to you guys. Now normally other people would just take this as a sign to stay home, I on the other hand tried my best to find a way out of it. 1 of the reasons of course is because I had already given my word to my friends saying that I would join them but I think the bigger reason is because I didn't want to be at home alone when I had absolutely nothing to do at home and I wasn't even tired yet. Then I realized,

I'm afraid of being alone.

Do I not like myself that much that I can't even bear the thought of being alone by myself for 1 night, I mean obviously I've done this before, I live in my own condo but what gets me the most is that usually when I do stay at home I'm usually extremely tired, Exhausted to the point of collapsing or I have something that I have to do at home. Today however I have absolutely nothing planned, and I'm seriously terrified of being here. I honestly don't get it, I've been living by myself for almost 2 and a half years now, well sort of, the house I lived in for about 2 years was full of other house mates. for 5 months or so though I have been living completely alone. Which bring me to yet another stunning realization about myself that the reason why I'm rarely single is because I'm afraid of being alone. I jump from one relationship to the next and I think this is the only time that I'm truly single, what I mean by that is that I'm not dating anyone, I'm not TRYING to date anyone, or I'm not getting anywhere with anyone and it's gotten me completely terrified. What am I so scared of? If there are any psychiatrists reading this blog is there a name for this condition? What am I supposed to do? Please if you know anything don't hesitate to let me know. I want to fix this, I know I'm sociable but this is just insane. I don't want to be alone with myself. I'm scared of the things I'll think of, I don't want my mind to be idle because the minute I do the pains of the past start to seep in and I don't want to be caught in that slump again.

I miss my phone.

Distractions (The good kind or at least I think so)

First of, as I write this I had to turn off the music. Apparently I find it hard to write something that makes sense (I hope it does) while the glee cast's version of defying gravity is playing in the background.

Now I'm sure we all have a ton of things we're all stressing about, it could be anything from work, to relationships, to financial stability or instability for that matter or familial obligations. There's literally a thousand things that could probably be making your life more difficult right now. I know a lot of you are probably saying that this is just life, and that's just how it's meant to be. But let me ask you, have you ever gotten to a point where it was just a little bit too much for you to handle? That you just want your brain to stop functioning even for a split second just to give you a little sense of peace and serenity? Where you feel like you're going to implode (not in a good sexual manner) because of everything that's happening around you? If you have then I hope you've found your distraction because I think I've finally found mine, or maybe I should say I rediscovered it.

If you know me personally I'm sure you've pretty much figured out that I'm not the most athletic person in the world, I probably could have made it big if I pushed through with golf or swimming but I never really had the heart for it. If you know me even better, I'm sure you're thinking in your head that video games are my ultimate distraction, but lately it hasn't really been working. Would you believe I haven't touched my xbox or my rockband set in almost 3 weeks? That's how disturbing life has been for me in the past few weeks that even games, my number 1 distraction hasn't been working for me. The fact that it doesn't work for me anymore totally kills me because now I'm stuck with depression and no way of handling it. I really just wanted a little peace of mind in this time of turmoil. Much to my surprise I finally discovered something pretty unexpected, I found my distraction and I know it may sound stupid to you, yes you but it's been the focal point of my happiness as of late.

Basketball. I know it sounds stupid, but lately this has been the only thing I've been looking forward to lately (sounds kind of sad I know). But right after the adrenaline and the high of being on court I just end up too tired to actually think about everything I've been stressing about, don't get me wrong it's not like I've forgotten my problems or anything but I've just been really preoccupied with it that my brain doesn't have enough left to think of anything else. Oddly enough it's not like this is the first time I've ever played basketball, I mean I've been playing since I was in high school (I know it doesn't look it but I swear).

Don't get me wrong, I'm happy that I found a distraction, but it makes me wonder though, until when is this gonna distract me? I mean video games used to do it for me before (that sounds so dirty in my head right now) now it's completely lost it's power over me. When is the day that I have to face my fears and not just keep myself busy with distractions? When will the day come that I won't even need distractions? Trust me, I would give off my left pinky to just write down EVERYTHING that I feel here, but the fear of rejection, of humiliation is just too great. I wish I could just write the way I feel about you right now, right here and just leave everything else to chance. But sadly that's not the way the world works, you have to wait for the right time, the right chance to say whatever it is that you have to say. The first step however is getting them to look at you, sadly as of this moment I'm just another face you don't even remember in a sea of people vying for your attention. So even if I did write it all down here, I don't think it'd be worth anything.

A really good friend of mine who knows my situation wrote a song about it, I read the lyrics that he wrote and it just hit me so bad that it hurts. I hope that he can make it happen though, and it'd be nice to say that eventually if the day comes that I can actually talk to her I could go like, hey you know my friend was inspired to write this song because he knew exactly what I was going through.

Today I thought to myself that playing games, and playing basketball were distracting enough. I wrote about it being a good distraction.

I was wrong.

Romance is dead.

I'm not cynical believe me, and I don't hate love, in fact I cherish it. I'm sure you're thinking this is me just being bitter or something along those lines, but there is a reason this post is titled that way.

Take twilight as an example, or of course the talk of the town for the past 2 weeks or so, New Moon. They say that every woman wants an Edward Cullen in their life, someone who would love them as much as Mr. Cullen himself, that it's really not just because he's good looking, rich, incredibly strong and fast or whatever but it's also because of the fact that he is completely, utterly in love with Bella.

Example number 2, How I met your mother. If you haven't seen this series yet, I recommend you do. Ted Mosby, he's the most romantic/sensitive dude on television. He doesn't say I love you just to get in your pants or whatever, when he says it he actually means it. He's not deceptive, he doesn't play around and well he's a decent guy.

Example number 3, Ewan Mcgregor in moulin rouge. Completely in love with love. All around good guy, doesn't even think about anyone else except Satine despite her being a courtesan.

Example number 4, Romeo. As in Romeo & Juliet, I don't think I even need to describe this story to you anymore.

Chronological breakdown. In Romeo & Juliet, Romeo dies (of course so does Juliet). WHY? why do they have to punish people who are just in love? Is it a crime? I mean why did the writers have to do that? Is the world trying to crucify people who believe in what they feel? It's pretty much the same story with example number 3. Christian a.k.a. Ewan Mcgregor, believes in love so bad that he fights for his love for a courtesan despite oh I don't know certain death? and lo and behold just right after they make it through the frigging storm the writer decides to kill Satine! Yet again telling the world "Hey kids don't believe in love, because more often than not It'll kill you."

Now on to my other 2 points, In How I met your mother, Ted more often than not, gets rejected. Whereas barney has slept with about oh I dunno 200 women according to his list. Not that I'm saying that sleeping with other people is the objective but how is it that he gets to get the girls despite his ulterior motives? Don't get me wrong Barney is an awesome character, he's highly entertaining and all but most people would say I'd want a Ted in my life not a Barney. But look around you, Barneys everywhere are glorified left and right. Teds are forgotten.

Which brings me to my final point, In New Moon, everyone says I want an Edward Cullen in my life, somebody who can love me as much as he does, blah blah blah blah. Right after you watch New Moon, the only thing you'll hear is "oh my god Jacob was so hot". Mr. Romance (the college dork who doesn't know a thing about playing around with women and only says things because he means it) just got trampled over by Mr. Realism (the college football player, the prom king or as it was said in 500 days of summer, Lars from Sweden, with Brad Pitt's face and Jesus' abs.)

Click.

As I write this down a thousand thoughts run through my head, but I'd be lucky to write down at least 1 coherent thought.

Let's start with one topic of discussion that has been coming up a lot lately..



Regret.



I know we're supposed to live life with no regrets and all, but seriously is this even a realistic statement? We go through so many things in each and every single day of our lives and we're bound to do something that we absolutely abhor. I think the more realistic thing to say would be live life knowing regret, not forgetting it or not letting it go, but learning from every single painful detail of it. I mean after all like Alfred said in Batman Begins, "Why do we fall off the horse? So we can learn to get back on it."

I won't lie to you, I have a million regrets in life, simple things from why did I eat this today? Why did I drink this much today? Why did I make a left where it was completely traffic? To the more relevant regrets like Why did I not do as well as I should have in school? Why have I always been an academic under-achiever? Why did I let go? Why didn't I have enough courage to say what I really wanted to say? and so the list goes on.

I know it'd be completely wonderful to say that I have no regrets in my life and it gives you this aura of wisdom about you, but honestly, ask yourself, do you REALLY have no regrets in your life? No moment in time where you wish you could have just hit the rewind button on the lower left corner of your life just to go back at least 1 minute before you made the first move or for that matter the last one?

Within the million thoughts running through my head right now 999,999 thoughts are probably things that I regret, I'm not saying that I wish I could change it all because if I did it would totally change who I am now and what I've become. All I'm saying is, it would've been nice to change at least 1.