The Road to Recovery

Today, as I was walking by Emerald avenue, I started to realize a few things about my life so far. Lately I've been sulking around because of the fact that I'm completely not used to being single, I love the intimacy that relationships bring, I love the so called "duties" that come along with it. Always having someone around you when you need to watch a film, never feeling like a 3rd wheel or a 5th wheel for that matter when you're surrounded by couples. Always having someone to go to when you feel lonely, or when you've had a bad day, and having someone to give you that more than friendly hug when you really need it. Today I realized that I'm getting used to being alone. I watch movies on my own, or with a bunch of friends (even if I do end up being a 5th wheel). I shop on my own, I go around the mall on my own, I wake up alone. I'm starting to learn how to breathe on my own again. Little by little, I'm getting used to doing things on my own, enjoying tv shows on my own, enjoying food on my own or whatever it maybe.. I'm just starting to like hanging out with myself.

A friend of mine joked about setting me up with his girlfriends' friends, the girlfriend immediately said "why would I do that?" Now normally this would've been a crushing blow to my pride or my ego possibly thinking to myself "Why? am I not date-able?" Today it didn't affect me as much because I know now that I'm not ready to do so. I want to, definitely but I'm sure I'm just not ready for it yet. I've always had a safety net, I've never really recovered from a break up "cleanly".. I've always had someone on the bench (or something to that effect). This time around I have to get through it on my own, I have to be able to stand on my own two feet again without using crutches. I need to be able to rediscover myself. Cliche as it may be people always say that before you can love others you have to start loving yourself. I honestly think that because of the fact that I'm so used to being in a relationship and having someone there who loves me, I've sort of forgotten how to love myself. This time around, I'm learning to do so. I'm remembering what I like about me, I'm remembering what I feel is special about me and I'm really getting to know who I am and what I'm like.

It's not easy discovering things about yourself specially when you thought that you were the complete opposite of what you just discovered. But sometimes you just have to play through the pain to get what you want or basically to get what you need. It may take long, but I think that at the end of it all, it'll be worth it.

Promises

What is it about promises really? What makes them so elusive? Why is it that the more you promise to do something the harder it is to do? Is it simply human nature to go against what it is that they say? Reverse psychology maybe? I'm sure you can relate to what I'm talking about.

In any relationship that you get into, whether it be a friendly one, or an intimate one, you're bound to make promises. "I promise to pick you up at 7:30" you get there at 8, "I promise to not cheat or lie" you end up doing both simultaneously, "I promise I'll be there" you end up going somewhere else, and finally the most commonly broken promise "I promise I'll never leave you" this is the probably the worst statement that could ever come out of anyone's mouth because 95% of the time it gets broken. I mean think about it, when you were in high school (or if you still are) we threw this word around so easily, yet really think about it, this is IMPOSSIBLE to keep. You're bound to end up with someone else, you're bound to end up disagreeing and breaking up, or even if love is there and you do stay together, you die eventually, thus leaving the person right? So yet again, it's an un-kept promise. This I think is already common knowledge.

Why do we still believe it? We buy into every word that they throw at us, believing with all of your heart that they really won't leave you. In theory, it's a lot like telling an 18 year old that hey Santa's real. We know it's not true, but we still believe it, we still take the bait. Not the smartest decision, but can we really help it? I mean can you honestly tell yourself that whoever is telling you that is telling you a big fat juicy lie? Is it in our nature to doubt such things? and even if it's not in our nature can we actually tell ourselves that it isn't true? Or am I the only sucker here? Do I believe in the goodness of people too much? Do I believe in the fairy tale ending that everyone deserves? Do I believe that everyone is capable of goodness, that everyone is capable of sticking to their word? I mean I myself have used the "I'll never leave you" line before, obviously I didn't stick to it. I'm not being Pontius-Pilatey about it, I'm just asking myself and you, Why do we still believe this crock of shit?

Bright side of it I guess is that at the end of the day, there's still hope inside most of us. Hope that one day, that statement will actually hold true.

"To promise not to do a thing is the surest way in the world to make somebody want to go and do that very thing." -Mark Twain, The Adventures of Tom Sawyer

Look A-Likes

I just thought I'd post something that I think is funny for a change :) Celebrity look a-likes.

Mario & Chris Rock
















Lebron James & Brian Mcknight

















Josh Hartnett & Tommy Lee Jones


















Clottey & Goro

Left 4 Dead

Contrary to what you're probably thinking this post isn't exactly about the game Left 4 dead. It does however have a similar feel to it, minus the zombies and the guns.

Lately I've been seeing that people around me have been dating, starting to like other people, falling in love, staying in love and even getting married. What's the deal? Did Cupid drop by and shoot a nationwide arrow somehow managing to miss me? Or am I just starting to feel jaded?

I'm happy for the people who have been finding love in the most unusual places, really I am though sometimes I think to myself, how come I'm not in their position? Is it a choice I made? Is it just luck of the draw? Or am I just shutting myself out to the rest of the world? Truth be told I have no real reason to feel sad, or to be depressed, things have been going pretty well for me in all the other aspects of my life but it just so happens that this part of life really gets me, and more often than not either I don't find myself in these situations or I just completely screw them up. It makes me wonder, is there something wrong with me? Maybe there's just something about me that doesn't attract these things. Yet again I am left befuddled by this stupid situation and yet again,


I feel left out.

Gino and Fran's new adventure :)

So today I did something completely random. A friend of mine asked me to vote for her cousin for an online competition which I had absolutely no idea about whatsoever.. When I checked out the website apparently it was a competition for United Colors of Benetton.

If you get to the top 20 they basically ship you off to New York to do a shoot for Benetton which is FANTASTIC. I mean going to New York alone is reward enough right? So I thought to myself why the heck not? And then I came up with an even better idea, ask Fran to join. So now since campaigning is apparently the "in-thing" We're gonna do it too. Don't worry we won't come up with mind-drilling, LSS capable jingles to brainwash you to vote, I'm just gonna ask you guys to do so.

So please if you have the time, vote for us! It's really easy, all you have to do is sign up and vote :) You can vote once everyday for the same person at least :)

Send Fran and I to New York, and we'll get you awesome things from there. (mostly stories) :)

http://casting.benetton.com/users/305106-gino-quillamor

http://casting.benetton.com/users/306538-monica-francesca-tobias

I can't seem to turn it into a link so just copy paste the url to your browser :) haha Muchos Gracias! :)

The eternal battle of the heart and the mind.

Have you ever been faced with a situation where you SUPPOSEDLY know what the right thing to do is? yet after you're done with that decision you feel terribly wrong about it and you feel as if you got cheated out of life? Situations where you sacrifice your own happiness, your own well-being to make other people happy? Situations where in your mind you're just absolutely right, but completely wrong in your heart. Logically sound yet emotionally crushing choices.

Did you ever wonder if it was the right choice? How do you decide which one to go with? Which one can you live with more? In one corner you can breathe easy knowing that you did the right thing but at the same time, despite the "clear conscience" so to speak, you are just devastated, like there's a big gaping hole in your chest. You find yourself constantly looking back and thinking "did I really make the right choice?". If it was the right choice why does it feel so bad?

On the other hand, would you be able to live with yourself if you went with the emotional choice? The "screw everyone else, I want to be happy" choice? Maybe you're happy, maybe 1 other person is happy. But what about everyone else? Is it justifiable to save your own heart and break others in the process? Would you be able to sleep at night knowing that you saved yourself and completely damned others who were already in distress?

Maybe there is no right choice, maybe it's just a matter of sucking up to the consequences of whatever action it is that you do. Maybe at the end of the day all you really need is strength to fight for what you really believe in. Courage despite the seemingly impossible odds. Determination for what you really want more.

Is it wrong to think that maybe, just maybe God values you fighting for your own happiness just as much as fighting for other peoples' happiness? Maybe there is no high ground. Maybe it's just two different islands both on the same level, just take your pick at which island it is that you want to be at.

Another question I have in my head is, if you already picked one island, is it too late to go back to the other?

At the very end of writing all of this I discovered one thing..



Clarity is a bitch to find.

The game of life, or should I say the game that is life.

As a kid my mom always told me that computer games are a waste of time, actually I think a lot of women in general think this. What most people don't know is that well at least for me, I learn A LOT of things from the games that I play. I know that sounds absurd but believe it or not, it's a reality.

On an academic note, the game Shogun : Total war taught me everything I know about Japan's history. From the Daimyo to the Shoguns to well basically everything abuot medieval Japan.


You can relate computer games to so many things in life, like for example Rockman for our Japanese friends or Megaman for our western hemisphere friends. For those of you who are not familiar with this game, you basically play as a man-robot boy with a laser cannon on your hand, you go through different levels and at the end of it all you fight a boss monster and when you kill the boss monster you get his/her power.

This is a lot like any relationship that you go through, at the end of it all, you might end up killing each other (figuratively hopefully), but either way you always learn something new. You always get a little bit stronger from the blows that you've taken from each other.

In most RPG's (Role playing games) that I play, more often than not you have choices which you have to make. Let's use Star Wars Knights of the old republic as an example. Basically you adventure through out the star wars world as a would be Jedi or Sith. I would always go to the Jedi direction, I would always make the "good" choices in game, whether it be saving an entire race from completely getting annihilated to convincing a once Jedi student to return back to the path of light after her descent into the dark side.

Now you're probably saying to yourself, okay how does that help me? Whenever I face a situation in my life where I did something morally questionable and I doubt my principles and morals. I remember the choices that I make whenever I start playing games like Star Wars KOTOR. For me it acts as a constant reminder that yes, sometimes I do make bad choices but deep down inside I'm a good guy and I know that I can make the right choices no matter how tough they seem to be. That I'm willing to stand by what's right even if it conflicts with what I want most of the time because at the end of it all I can look back and tell myself that hey I did make the right choice and as geeky as it may seem I am a Jedi. I'm sure some of you are saying, yeah the sith are cool, and yes I agree they can kick-ass but they're also the bad guys. Do you really want to be one? I know for a fact that I don't want to be one.

And for my final point and the game that made me realize all of this. The Mass Effect series. This game literally made me fall in love with games all over again, the story, the characters the delivery of the lines, the CGI acting, the plot. Everything's just amazing, but of course every now and then there are low points, certain parts of the game where it may seem repetitive and well routine-like. Like how you have to do well the same quest over and over again because well maybe you just need to, maybe because you failed at it once and that you have to just try again to get it right. But the feeling of accomplishment and content and general happiness of finishing that quest is pretty much reward enough for all the hard work that you put into it. More often than not when I'm so hooked onto a game I literally can't function as much as I want to without at least playing with the game for a bit.

This reminds me of what relationships are like, at the start of it all you'll be extremely ecstatic about it. You'll be in relationship bliss where nothing can go wrong and where everything is fresh, new and well amazingly beautiful. Then you hit your speed bumps, parts where you wish you could just have saved at that point in time and re-loaded every time you screw up. There are times when it seems monotonous and it seems like the things you're doing are only for routine's sake. But once you get over this hump you're back on relationship-nirvana again. And it makes all the tough times worth it. When you feel like you can't go on a single day without spending time or talking to the one you love.

But like all games, relationships end. And all you can hope for is a sequel, or for the next mind blowing relationship to come along and completely sweep you off your feet again.

The things you miss.

I'm happy with the way things are going in my life, I guess I can say that right? I mean with "the secret" and all I guess that would be the best statement one can make. But even with that, even with the happiest most content person in the world, I'm thinking that there just HAS to be something you miss right? I mean you can't ever be too content with your life. The way I figure it, the day that you're too content with your life is the day you stop doing anything progressive.

Off the top of my head things that I miss are mostly, well fine all about being in a relationship. First off, I'm sure that for everyone who's really fallen in love you already know that the feeling of being in love alone is a feeling that is definitely miss-able. Even if its unrequited love, yeah it's painful but it's still a good feeling to have. Obviously mutual love is a much much better feeling the feeling of loving someone and the feeling that that someone loves you back is well, to die for. It's just that there are so many miss-worthy things about being in a relationship. It's nice to have someone to watch a movie with. Someone to have dinner with after the movie. It's nice that you get to walk around and she just sort of hugs your upper arm and leans her head on your shoulder. It's nice that after a really terrible day you know for a fact there's an extremely wonderful hug waiting for you the minute you see her. I know it sounds stupid but sometimes when you haven't seen each other for a while the minute you see each other you sort of like do a little hop because of how excited you are. It's nice that she stays up with you whenever you need to stay up. It's nice to get messages during random times of the day asking you if you're okay or asking about your day. It's nice to see that out of nowhere you'll get a message saying she misses you, or as cheesy as it maybe that she's thinking about you. It's nice that while you're sleeping you get a phone call and the first thing you hear in the morning is the sound of her voice waking you up and telling you that she misses you. It's nice that when you're at work she just surprises you with food because she knows that you get hungry all the time. It's nice that you can go to "date places" or "couple places" and feel totally comfortable there and not out of place. It's nice to have little rituals that you both share. It's nice to have couples massages. It's nice that whenever you're going through a tough time she'll be there to hold your hand. It's nice that after every time you get into an argument you sort of feel like your love is renewed, well that and other things. It's nice that when you hang out you don't even have to talk at all and still have a completely good time. It's nice that sometimes you're in one room together and you're just doing the things you want to do, and she's just doing the things she wants to do and you both completely understand each other. It's nice that whenever you go out sometimes you realize that you'd rather just stay in. It's nice to have someone to watch a DVD of your choice and then to compromise you watch a DVD of her choice right after. It's nice to have someone to cuddle with when it's cold.

Looking at this really long list of things I miss. Yeah I think it's safe to say that I miss being in a relationship.

Mirror match

For two straight nights now I've had bad dreams, the first night was about my past so I'm not gonna get into that right now. The one I had earlier today though was just absolutely disturbing. I don't know if you guys ever got to watch this old horror film called the shining. If you're a 30 seconds to mars fan, it was where they got the concept for the video of the kill.

Basically the setting was in a nice hotel, but strangely nobody was there. Usually I remember all my dreams but with this one I just got flashes of the scenes from it, basically first off the hotel receptionist turned out to be this big Frankenstein looking monster, not the cute nice guy looking kind but the murderous ogre-like looking one. It basically picked me up with one hand by my neck and tossed me into a hotel room where I saw a duplicate of me. But this duplicate had blood smeared all over his face and a bloody knife to boot. I know it doesn't sound too scary but I still feel really creeped out thinking about it. The images were so vivid in my head like they had been seared into my brain via hot metal. Aside from the mirror image me trying to chase me down with a knife I also saw a girl I liked throwing knives at me, take note KNIVES not a knife, and with every hit I took I would slow down, because obviously I was trying to run away from murderer me and murderer chick. Just before the final blow delivered by murderous me, I woke up with a deep gasp.

So this got me thinking, what was this dream about? Why is it happening now? Why was I scared of myself? Is my subconscious trying to tell me something? Maybe the new me is killing the old me? Maybe I just have so many skeletons in my closet that it's starting to occupy my dreams? or maybe I ate bad chicken before I went to bed. Who knows?

All I know is now, I'm trying to think of why I would be afraid of myself, and why I would have a murderer-like mirror image in my dreams. I'm terrified to go to sleep still. Or maybe my self-loathing has gone on to a different level. I really don't know.

Cold Turkey

Earlier on in the day when I had just gotten out of bed, there were so many things I wanted to write about. So many thoughts I wanted to let out, so many things I wanted to say but I ended up not getting to do any of that. I ended up dumb-founded and confused. My brain ended up swimming in a sea of random thoughts, random scenarios, things that could've happened, things I wish would've happened and the things that did happen. And now as I start thinking about all of that and combining all of them together I started to realize that the mind I think is a torture device purposely put into the human body to constantly keep your life in check, never letting you become too lenient, too content, or too happy. There is apparently no greater prison than a man's mind.

You can dream about the best scenarios, anything from getting super powers, thinking of what to do if you got for yourself a hundred million dollars, imagining people naked, imagining a better image of you, and even a true love scenario. What sucks most about this is it gives you such vivid images, it gives you ultimate control over whatever it is that you want control over because you're just dreaming everything up.

But the minute you open your eyes you start to realize how you're just normal with no powers, that you're financially unstable, that the person in front of you is fully clothed, that you DO NOT have a 6-pack and that you're single and alone. I mean seriously why do we even think of such things? Why torture yourself and evade reality for a bit just to give you a taste of heaven for a little bit and then shortly after brutally rip it out of your system. Imagine smokers inhaling on a fine stream of nicotine and then mid-puff just pulling the stick away and never giving it back again. Imagine a mother giving birth to her baby and the minute labor is done just instantaneously take away the baby and never let her see him/her again. Imagine being extremely thirsty and just as you're about to sip on the most refreshing glass of water in your entire life the glass spills over. Imagine finding someone you've been looking for for so long finally giving you the sense of happiness that you think you deserve and then just POOF vanishing into thin air. Why do we play with these thoughts in our heads?

I know that dreaming gives you hope, but at the same time it makes you dread reality. I hope they come up with a lucid dream machine eventually, I think I'd like staying there for the time being.

*

Pawned

You know how in battle so many sacrifices are made for the so called “greater good”? Today I realized that life is pretty much just a lot like chess, you have the king and queen, obviously the most important pieces, the rooks, the knights, and the bishops, and then you have your lowly pawn. Now I’m no expert on chess but I do know the rules and I know for a fact that sometimes in order to make your higher ranking chess pieces get the best position for the check mate or even just a check, more often than not you’ll have to sacrifice some pawns.

I personally know through firsthand experience that losing a pawn is nowhere near as painful as losing a bishop, or for more obvious reasons the king piece. It’s just the way things are, you sacrifice the less powerful, less influential pieces for you to attain what you truly want or value. No tears are shed (figuratively) over losing a pawn, and I know this may sound stupid but if you truly see past the game I believe that pawns matter. Does anyone ever care about how the pawn feels? About how the pawn could actually turn the tide of battle? Or how a pawn can achieve greatness given the chance? Queens on the other hand move all over the board, they have the most power, it's the most valuable piece on the board in terms of purpose, when you lose a queen I'm sure you'd feel it. It’d be nice if players started treating the pawn with a little bit more importance than what we usually give it.

They say that for you to be a good strategist you have to value each and every single unit you have, whether it be a pawn, a knight, a bishop, a rook, a queen or a king. But of course this is not how we think, I mean losing in an online game or something is translated to you just got pawned. Go figure.

Interpret this in whatever way you like, it can apply to so many situations in your life. But I guess my point here is to make people realize that pawns have the ability to be great, the ability to do well. I mean after all you shouldn’t forget that when a pawn gets to the very end of the board.. it can be whatever you want it to be.

Treat your pawns right. No matter how lowly they may be.

*I just realized this right before I was just about to post this, a pawn can be whatever figure on the board, except the most important one... The king.

Oh well..

I heard this song today and realized how much this song meant to me back in the day, I know it's gay but whatever I'm posting it anyway. :) f*cking boy bands and the lyrics they come up with.

98 degrees - Invisible Man

You can hardly
wait to tell all your friends
How his kisses taste sweet like wine
And how he always
makes your heart skip a beat
Every time he walks by
And if you're feeling down
He'll pick you up
He'll hold you close when
you're makin' love
He's everything
you've been dreaming of
Oh baby

I wish you'd look at me that way
Your beautiful eyes
lookin' deep into mine
Telling me more than
any words could say
But you don't even know I'm alive
Baby to you all I am
Is the invisible man

You probably spend
hours on the phone
Talkin' 'bout nothing at all
It doesn't matter
what the conversation
Just as long as he called
Lost in a love so real
And so sincere
You wipe away each other's tears
Your face lights up
whenever he appears

I see you all the time baby
The way you look at him
I wish it was me sweetheart
Boy I wish it was me
But I guess I'll never be...

My dear john letter to 2009

Dear 2009,

First off I'd like to thank you for the wonderful things that you've brought into my life. You gave me a good job, you gave me enough finances to sustain my needs, and well you gave me a lot of good times. So for that I thank you, I'd also like to say that you were kind of a bitch for taking away Michael Jackson, Francis M, Brittany Murphy, Patrick Swayze and the thousands of Filipinos that you took during typhoon Ondoy.

Now on to more personal things, I don't know why you just had to screw with my head so much, what did I ever do to you? I mean here I was trying to live a peaceful happy life then you just had to go ahead and screw it all up. What's up with that? I mean you know for a fact that more often than not I have good intentions, why did you have to change all of that at certain periods of time? Why would you make me do things that I've never done before? I'm glad that I'm just writing this for you because I don't know what I'd do to you if I ever bumped into you again. I know this may sound bitter but I'm glad that you and I are done, I don't think I can handle you anymore. A little bit more time with you and I'd seriously consider jumping this ship that is life. Why do you constantly bring my hopes up then tear it down right after I'm starting to feel a semblance of happiness? Did anyone ever do that to you? More often than not people just hope for you to be good to them, but alas it doesn't work for everyone does it? I know that it didn't for me. I just want you to know that when you and I started I treated you with the utmost respect and you just spat on me. So before you go claiming that you're the shit of this decade..

I'mma let you finish, but I think that 2008 was better than you.



Sincerely
Gino Quillamor

If Star Wars had facebook it'd look a lot like this

Seriously I haven't laughed about anything online in a long time. Star Wars FTW! :)

The holiday spirit.

If you read my blog, then you'll probably realize that it's been a while since I last posted anything. Things have been going pretty well in my life lately, I've been having a lot of fun going out with new found friends and all. I've seriously been having loads of fun this Christmas season because it's also my birthday month so as you can probably imagine it's a bunch of parties left and right. I haven't really had a lot of alone time lately which is I guess what I was after too.

And so comes Christmas eve. After dinner with my parents I immediately went home mostly due to the fact that I was completely exhausted this entire week. The minute I get home I get on my computer and put in a steady playlist on my I-tunes, get myself a glass of amaretto sprite and the first song that plays is Katy Perry's - Thinking of you. This song brings back a LOT of memories, good ones, which is what makes it very bitter sweet. Remembering something that you used to have, something which you thoroughly enjoyed, and something you still miss up to today. I'm happy for the year that has been but somehow it deeply saddens me that I have to leave it behind. Leaving 2009 behind is very painful because along with it I had to leave people behind as well. If I had it my way it wouldn't turn out like this but hey everyone knows you don't always get what you want. Never underestimate the power of songs, no matter what song it is, it will always take you back to a certain time or memory that could either be amazingly happy for you or terribly saddening. I guess it's just right that I am a DJ.

So to the year that has been and to the people who have touched my life this year, I wish you all the best. You know who you are, I just hope you read this. I truly, sincerely and whole-heartedly wish that you find love & happiness and I honestly hope I find that too.

Merry Christmas everyone. :)

Rememberance

I've been a host for almost 3 years now, I've hosted company parties, corporate events, parties, debuts, weddings, birthday parties, kiddie parties, school fairs, concerts etc. But nothing could have prepared me for the hosting that I had yesterday.


I hosted a eulogy for my friend's uncle who I got to hang out with as well.


It's amazing how much of an emotional roller coaster a wake can be, A lot of people who were a lot closer to the celebrant than I was spoke about him too. The reason why I say celebrant is because I'd really like to think that he's in a better place, therefore it should be a cause for celebration. Now I know for a fact that I wasn't the only one who thought of this as well, but how do you honestly expect to be happy knowing that you'll never get to hang out with this person again, knowing that you wont hear his voice, his laugh, or see his face again? Even if you know that he is in a better place it's still undoubtedly one of the most difficult things you can do. People laughed, people cried, most of them started off with the memories they had of him, the good times. They tried their very best to keep the mood light and happy but at the end of it all, remembering all of the good things made them realize how much they would miss him.

I'm not bragging or anything but I consider myself to be a relatively okay host, but in a situation like this I don't think that really counts. I said a lot of things yesterday but I didn't want to share all the memories I had of him. So instead I'll write it down here, I know that possibly a million people could view this (I highly doubt that) but I consider this to be my own little private space where I can really say (or type) what's on my mind. So I'd like to share my own farewell for him from a non-hosting perspective.

Tito Nilo, you were one of the most generous people I've ever met and trust me I know a lot of generous people, you never brought about bad vibes whenever we were hanging out, you never expected anything in return for your generosity despite our efforts to try to repay you. You were an amazing defender for basketball, and a really awesome "bro". A lot of us looked up to you in a way that you possibly couldn't have understood. I know that you had a lot of things you still needed to do, but I'm sure that at the very end you figured out that you did so much more than what everyone expected of you.

From Basketball, to Jolibee, to fiamma, and to isshin. In the many many times that you showed your generosity to us. I hope that when I spoke for your eulogy I was somehow able to repay you for all the kindness that you showed us. I know you never asked for anything in return but I hope that you would consider what I did yesterday as a final gift to you.

Rest in peace Tito Nilo Malfatti. God speed.

The winds of change

"The only thing that is permanent is change." - Heraclitus

It's amazing how fast we can adapt to certain situations. A few weeks ago I was feeling terrible, I felt like I was at a low point of my life. I wasn't coping very well with being single since I'm not very used to it.

With no major event happening in my life, without any trigger of any sort. I just woke up and said it's time to stop moping around. All of a sudden everything seemed okay, everything feels alright. I don't feel the need to be with somebody, not that I'm saying that I don't that want to happen but I just don't think it's a necessity anymore. I'm coping with it pretty well, just enjoying whatever it is that I'm doing as of the moment. Simple things from basketball, to going out with friends, playing xbox, playing a multiplayer game with friends. Everything seems enjoyable, I guess you just have to find your niche. They say that the human body can only take chemical imbalances (i.e. Love, Depression, Anger) for a certain amount of time. I guess that amount of time has passed for me.

I'll end this entry with a quote from one of my favorite zombie films. Zombieland.

"Rule #32 in zombieland. Enjoy the little things."

The best of both worlds

First off, good morning world. It's the first time that I'm actually writing a blog entry in the morning. I literally just woke up and my mind is still pretty much fresh from dreamland.

I remember having a conversation with my friend yesterday about Barney Stinson and Ted Mosby. If you don't know who these two are they're characters from how I met your mother. Barney is a smooth talking, amazingly colorful, womanizing, Armani clad man full of awesomeness. Whereas Ted is a failed architect turned professor. He's terrible at dating and he pretty much doesn't really dress up. He's a total romantic sap. Now this friend of mine and I just share one thing in common, we both just got out of long-term relationships. If I remember correctly he broke up with his girlfriend 1 week after my relationship ended. So as you can pretty much imagine I guess we're both going through the same thing.

We talked about how he feels like he's Ted Mosby disguised as Barney and how much he wanted to be just like Barney. 1 shallow one night stand after the other, with the ability to be un-emotional when it comes to relationships. Yes, I agree that there is an upside to this because well at least you don't get hurt, but what I pointed out to him was that at the end of it all even if the Ted Mosbys' of the world are more often than not disappointed and hurt, at the end of it all we're the ones who find TRUE happiness. The Barney Stinsons' of the world may have fun now but at the end of the day they lead empty, hollow lives. And then it got me to thinking, wouldn't it be amazing if you had the ability to switch between these two characters at will? Being completely emotion-less as you're going through the dating ranks then once you find someone who you feel is going to be terrific together with you, you suddenly switch to Ted mode?

At the end of the conversation I remember telling him one thing, If we're both so sick of just being depressed, maybe it's time we get back into the game :)

sap.

Yes the title pretty much says it all. For those of you who cannot handle cheese, this is it. Turn back now.

I know that stereotypically I'm not supposed to want cuddling up, spooning, curling up in bed with someone and watching dvds or something to that effect but sue me because that's what I miss the most.

The one thing I truly miss about being in a relationship with somebody is exactly that, the quality time. I'm not gonna be a hypocrite though and say that I didn't enjoy sex or whatever (yes that's an open admission that I'm not a virgin anymore, big whoop) but yeah, sappy as it may seem I really miss the quality time. I guess I sort of miss the routines of being in a relationship as well, things that seem like they're chores when you're in a relationship are the things that you miss when you're not in one. I don't fully understand why people are like that? Why do people only realize things they have when they're already gone. And even if you go through it again, chances are you'll get sick of it again and let it go. Rinse & repeat. Why is it so hard to condition the human mind into just being content? I know for a fact that this ambition, or this drive for something better has a good side to it because you'll constantly be on the lookout for something better, but is there a point where you can literally just tell your mind "Stop! I'm fine with this. No more hunting for better things"?

Contentment (Who by the way is friends with Expectations and Reality. They're like the mean girls/plastics of the Word World.) is such a bitch to find, always hiding, always making you think that you've got it already then once you have it in your hands all of a sudden it slips off into nothingness. Then you're back to square one.

I know that ambition is a powerful driving force, but is there a way to contain it only to certain aspects of life? I mean don't get me wrong, it's not like I wanna settle down already or anything, but maybe I just want somebody I can call on whenever I've got good news, or bad news, or any news for that matter. Maybe I just want somebody to be there for me, in the same way that I would be there for her. Maybe I just want someone who I can hold for however long I want to hold where it wont feel awkward and you don't have to politely back down. Maybe I just want to see someone smile at me not just because you haven't seen each other in a while, or because you said something funny but because they're just truly happy to see you. Maybe a part of me wants someone to go home to, or to go home for. They say Sagittariuses are free spirits, they say that we thrive on freedom and we're sucky at relationships.

They may have been right about the latter part, but I highly disagree with the former.

on the wire.

To start things off I had a terrific weekend. For the first time in two years I finally took a vacation just to sort of rejuvenate for the past 2 years of non-stop working I guess. Don't get me wrong I'm very thankful that I've been incredibly busy for the 2 years I've been working but I guess this was just a much needed break from work, life and I guess at some point myself as well.

I spent the 1st night just looking up at the stars for a good hour and a half until my neck started to hurt and one very silly yet meaningful quote came out of that night, "The world is just like a vagina, you just have to find the right spot". I know that most of you probably think this is stupid, but seriously I found meaning in this for some strange reason. I think I have found my general spot, I guess I sort of just have to fine tune my territory if you know what I mean.

If you've read my blog I'm sure you'd notice that I'm not really 100% happy with the way life is right now, I mean seriously doesn't take a rocket-scientist to figure that out but as a silver lining to this incredibly dark cloud that I'm moving through right now. I think I've finally found where I want to be and it's right here where I am now. I just have to work for a few more things to make it completely or to say it in a more realistic manner to be extremely close to perfection when it comes to life.

I've never really realized the importance of vacations, until now. I started to think that I like my life, I love my job, and I love the friends that I have. Vacations give you time to clear your mind to realize all the good things that you've got going for you. It makes you see what you're missing out on or in my case what I was missing. When I went back home I felt incredibly happy.

I never knew the world was this nice, you just have to find the right perspective when you're looking at it :)