Friday, May 28, 2010

The Road to Recovery

Today, as I was walking by Emerald avenue, I started to realize a few things about my life so far. Lately I've been sulking around because of the fact that I'm completely not used to being single, I love the intimacy that relationships bring, I love the so called "duties" that come along with it. Always having someone around you when you need to watch a film, never feeling like a 3rd wheel or a 5th wheel for that matter when you're surrounded by couples. Always having someone to go to when you feel lonely, or when you've had a bad day, and having someone to give you that more than friendly hug when you really need it. Today I realized that I'm getting used to being alone. I watch movies on my own, or with a bunch of friends (even if I do end up being a 5th wheel). I shop on my own, I go around the mall on my own, I wake up alone. I'm starting to learn how to breathe on my own again. Little by little, I'm getting used to doing things on my own, enjoying tv shows on my own, enjoying food on my own or whatever it maybe.. I'm just starting to like hanging out with myself.

A friend of mine joked about setting me up with his girlfriends' friends, the girlfriend immediately said "why would I do that?" Now normally this would've been a crushing blow to my pride or my ego possibly thinking to myself "Why? am I not date-able?" Today it didn't affect me as much because I know now that I'm not ready to do so. I want to, definitely but I'm sure I'm just not ready for it yet. I've always had a safety net, I've never really recovered from a break up "cleanly".. I've always had someone on the bench (or something to that effect). This time around I have to get through it on my own, I have to be able to stand on my own two feet again without using crutches. I need to be able to rediscover myself. Cliche as it may be people always say that before you can love others you have to start loving yourself. I honestly think that because of the fact that I'm so used to being in a relationship and having someone there who loves me, I've sort of forgotten how to love myself. This time around, I'm learning to do so. I'm remembering what I like about me, I'm remembering what I feel is special about me and I'm really getting to know who I am and what I'm like.

It's not easy discovering things about yourself specially when you thought that you were the complete opposite of what you just discovered. But sometimes you just have to play through the pain to get what you want or basically to get what you need. It may take long, but I think that at the end of it all, it'll be worth it.