Monday, November 15, 2010

To the orange and his loneliness. Because nothing rhymes with it.

Here's something I write to you, to explain to you why I do the things I do.

At first I thought that I was for the best, but as it turns out I'm just like the rest.

I'm starting to clearly see, that that's really not what I'm meant to be.

When I first met you, you were troubled and you had a bit of misery but I could still see that you were pretty happy.

Now that I've come along, I somehow feel that for you it's just like a sad song.

I feel for you when you cry, I know how you feel without me even having to try.

I wanted nothing more than to make you happy, but now I can see I just make you feel crappy.

I wake up everyday thinking about you, sometimes I wish it weren't true.

I'm so conflicted with you, that I feel like I need to kneel on a church pew.

I pray EVERYDAY that you gain clarity, and a huge amount of serenity.

I want you to be free of thought, so you can forget the evil that was wrought.

I wanted nothing but the best for you, even if it means me being out of the queue.

I want you to know that each moment with you, for me is something magical. No matter how mundane or trivial.

I've always felt like a set of lyrics, misplaced from it's melody aimlessly wandering the sound waves of eternity but in you I found my harmony.

I wish you felt the same way, but I know that for you it's like finding a needle in a stack of hay.

I know you've got a lot to handle and that you're still broken. I thought that maybe your walls were something I could crack open.

But it seems you need isolation, which I'll give to you without hesitation.

Because that's what you do for the people you love, you'll give them A,B,C and all of the above.

I know now that I have to walk away, because in the end I know that without me you'll wake up to a better day.

So now I think I should say goodbye, and hope and pray to God that I don't cry.

Because the best thing in my life right now is you, now I guess I'll just have to make do.

Friday, November 12, 2010

The continuous story of a boy who loved with all his heart.

Chapter 3

Several months of not hearing from her obviously didn’t do him good. He didn’t really know how to handle himself after that, after all it was the first break up he had ever gone through. It wasn’t something he was used to, nor was it something that he had practice with. It had completely devastated him, whatever good falling in love did for him was the same amount of negativity he had to deal with when Kate left him. It had left a hole in his being, he had yet again felt unwanted, uncared for, and unloved. Back to normal I guess you could say, but this time around it’s a little bit more difficult. The yearning for love was already there, he already felt like he was missing something like he was incomplete without it. Sadly there was little he could do about it because Kate wouldn’t even pick up any of his calls, and the worst part about it is that he didn’t even know the reason for it. One of the many things that people find hard to handle during break-ups is not finding out why it happened. Closure is always important.

Now needless to say the boy’s friends weren’t oblivious of this. They knew that something was troubling him and they dealt with this the best way they could. They set him up with another girl by the name of “Anna”. Anna was great, she was nice, caring, friends with a bunch of his friends and well she was.. convenient. They got along well enough and she helped him ease the pain. But sadly Anna wasn’t Kate. But this boy knew nothing about love, knew nothing about what to do with it so since he knew that Anna liked him, he eventually started going out with her. Slowly Anna started making him feel whole again, but not as whole as Kate did because he knew that it just wasn’t the same. The hole that Kate left was still there, he didn’t know that he had to fill that up first by himself before he should let other people in.

And so a few days before Christmas, Anna was speaking to the boy over the phone. They had gotten into a relatively deep conversation about feelings and Anna had opened up to him and told him that she loved her. Thinking that he was already over Kate, the boy reciprocated and they decided that it’d be a great idea for them to be together. It was something new for him, it didn’t feel as magical as it did with Kate but he thought to himself, maybe it’ll grow over time. They said their goodbyes for that night and they put down the phone. Not a minute later the phone begins to ring, he picks it up and for a split-second his heart stops beating. It was a voice he hadn’t heard in a long time, a voice that he had missed dearly, a voice he had tried to forget over the past couple of months, a voice he completely didn’t expect to hear specially not a minute after he just got into a new relationship. It was Kate. She started off with a simple yet very straight to the point greeting “It’s Kate, how’ve you been? I missed you.” This made the boy’s heart jump right out and suddenly remember everything that he tried to cover up. Instantaneously a flood of emotions overcame the boy and he was just in shock. He couldn’t speak, and Kate noticed this. She started laughing and followed up with another question, “How’s your love life?” Then out of sheer panic and due to the sudden rush of emotions that overcame the boy had said something that until this day he regrets, his moment of sheer douche-baggery, the first time he ever became an asshole towards women and one of the biggest lies he’s ever had to live with. “It’s non-existent”.

He had told Kate that he wasn’t seeing anyone, wasn’t dating anyone, wasn’t in like or in love with anyone on the eve that he just got into a relationship with Anna. He had said so because he feared that Kate would disappear into the nether yet again like she did before. He completely disregarded the fact that he had just gotten into a commitment with Anna, and that she had done nothing to deserve such treatment. But the boy was in love still, and he didn’t know better. He didn’t even bother to correct himself with what he was saying that night, he stuck to it because he didn’t want to jeopardize the chance to rekindle whatever it was that he lost with Kate. Tonight he stepped into the world of being an asshole, being a liar and being selfish.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

The continuous story of a boy who loved with all his heart.

Chapter 2

Several weeks after the fair the boy received a very strange call. Now he wasn't used to receiving personal calls at all, most of the time he'd just be answering the phone and handing it off to his dashing brothers since they were always the center of attention in whatever coed (or non-coed for that matter) school they went to. This time around it was a different story, this call was actually for him. It was a call from Kate. He was obviously shocked as to how she got his number and the bigger shock came after, why would she call? They talked and talked and it turned into a daily, or should we say nightly habit. He enjoyed it, every minute of it. For once he had felt special, for once he had felt liked, for once he had felt needed and most importantly, for once he had felt wanted. He had been sleep deprived for several weeks since these conversations would happen at night until the break of dawn discretely hiding under a blanket so whenever his parents would check up on him in his room it'd seem like he was just asleep. They hadn't even seen each other since the fair, and he missed Kate so he summed up the courage to ask her out to a birthday party. Kate unfortunately wasn't able to go, but he still had fun with the copious amounts of alcohol in the party, though he still felt like something was missing. See the thing with him is that he could never really enjoy parties or being outside when his mind was hovering on someone. He would always want to be with that person, so whilst enjoying the alcohol in the party he'd be on the phone with her. Concern was exchanged throughout this conversation, mostly coming from Kate, things like "don't drink too much, I worry about you" or "maybe you should go home already, I wouldn't want you getting drunk" now most members of the male species would find this irritating, they'd find it controlling, constricting even. He on the other hand loved this, he loved being protected, he loved knowing that someone was out there watching out for him, he loved knowing that at the end of it all someone cared enough for him, and so he paid attention. He went home only to talk to her some more.

Now throughout this entire conversation he noticed that Kate was using a certain term a lot almost to the point of just inserting it into any conversation that they'd have. So he eventually asked her why this was so, and for the first time this is when it hit him. This is when his world was rocked upside down, this is when he realized what he was missing out on, this is when he literally felt butterflies in his stomach, he felt his heart pounding and he felt it deep in his chest. Kate uttered 3 simple words in a gentle whisper-like manner.. "I love you". Naturally he said it back and he felt right. He felt that all the years of childhood oppression that he had received from the school bullies had been nullified by these words. He felt wanted, he felt in place, he felt needed, he felt amazing, he felt love. For a while this feeling lingered on and everything was right in the world.

He absolutely loved being in love, it was a terrific feeling. Now in a span of a month and half they had only seen each other twice. They talked regularly but he wasn't really allowed to go out much. The first time they had met when they were officially together he had to wait for Kate for 2 hours only to spend 15 minutes with her. But he was alright with this, he had deemed that she was worth the wait. No kisses were exchanged, no holding of hands, no hugs even for he really didn't know how to go about initiating these kinds of things and neither did she. But this was more than enough, it was a big step considering that their entire relationship was solely based on telephone conversations.

The 2nd meeting was another monumental step in his life. It was the first time he ever got to hold a girl's hand. It was the kind of holding hands experience where he wouldn't even want to move because he was so afraid of letting her go and disappointing her, holding hands so fiercely that your palms would eventually get sweaty. It felt like the world had given him a pat on the back for doing so, and to make things even better right before they parted ways, he got his first hug. Now it wasn't the best of hugs because in his panic he had accidentally put his hand on her butt which was something Kate didn't notice but for him it was an error of terrible magnitude. He felt like he had grown up that day. That he stepped into the world of becoming a man. And the reigning thought on his head was that he was still loved. He still felt it. He treasured it.

A week passed by after the 2nd meeting and he was preparing himself for a pitfall of sorts because he had just found out that Kate was apparently going to Baguio for an entire week since this happened during summer vacation. An entire week without talking to Kate for hours on a telephone seemed like a daunting task. It seemed like it'd take all of his strength to not miss her and to not spiral into sadness. But they made do with what little time they had talking on a cellphone for about 5 minutes a day, sending the occasional text message and calling each other for seconds every now and then just to remind each other that they loved one another. A few more days and he'd get through this.

The day that she had returned from her summer vacation felt like Christmas for him. He had been waiting by the phone the entire night knowing that she would call any minute, eagerly anticipating the ringing of the phone. The phone rings and he picks it up. They start conversing about what she had done in Baguio and what she had gotten him. Kate had a bracelet with his name on it obviously intended as a gift and they enjoyed the conversation they had about what she experienced in Baguio and he enjoyed it mostly because she was back in his life. Later on that night he started realizing that something was different, that something was missing, that something was off. He had a feeling of what it was but he refused to see it, eventually he then asked her if there was something wrong and she replied with silence. He knew there was something wrong, she then opened up and with 5 words she let him feel the single most grueling feeling he had felt in the 16 years that he had lived on this earth "can we be friends instead?"

He had never gone through this before, he didn't know that it'd be this painful, he didn't know that this was possible. He never saw this coming. And worst of all he didn't know that he could do something about it, so ignorantly he answered back "if that's what you want, then okay". They then found it hard to tak about anything after that mind-blowing line and they both said their goodnights and said goodbye. He'd been devastated, in a span of a month and a half he had gone through a 180 degree spin. From feeling on top of the world, to being on the bottom of the barrel. He was crushed, he lay down on the couch and he turned on the radio. Turning on the radio wasn't exactly the best idea because the minute he turned it on South Border's hauntingly melancholic hit at that time "Kahit Kailan" was playing.. and then he wept.

Several days of trying to get in touch with Kate didn't turn out so well either, he had gotten no replies from her. A week after she had changed her number without even letting him know. He started to doubt if that really happened to him, and he started to wonder what he did wrong. He just didn't know what to think anymore and he had felt forgotten, neglected and unwanted. He just wanted to get over it, but this wasn't as simple as it sounds. Nothing ever really is.

Monday, November 8, 2010

The continuous story of a boy who loved with all his heart.

Now I know that we all have our opinions of when life really starts, some people say it starts at 40, or so the saying goes. Most people say it’s when you have a family, I on the other hand believe that life starts when you first feel love. Not the unconditional kind that you feel towards your family, but the kind of love that you volunteer for, the kind that hurts you when you don’t protect yourself from it. The kind of love that sticks out, the kind of love that you remember for a lifetime. This story is a recollection of a boy’s journey through love. And it starts with the first one.


It all started when he was 16 years old. He was still in high school back then, not a care in the world whether it be for school, for the future or for love and relationships. Obviously this boy had already gotten crushes, the kind of which he felt passionately about but never really lasted for more than a week or so. He’d of course found women attractive already, but was never truly captivated by them, for this boy all he’d really care about is when he’d get to play billiards, go to a party, or play video games. Pretty typical considering his age. During one of those random moments where he just felt like he needed to go out, he went to a mall to meet up with a bunch of friends, now during this time cellular phones weren’t exactly common and he’d have to rely on his friends agreeing to meet up at a certain time and a certain place. Considering this was the Philippines everybody would come late, except for him. So off he went, aimlessly wandering the malls until he’d bump into his friends who he was supposed to meet up with. Little did he know that on this day he would meet the first ever person to show him the exact meaning of what love is.

She had jet black long hair, chinky eyes which he finds endearing, and a smile that’d put the sun to shame. Being the adolescent boy that he was, he was immediately attracted to her. Now, you have to take into consideration that this boy had never really had a decent conversation with a girl before because he came from an all boys school, that and he was going through puberty. Confidence wasn’t exactly his strongest suit, so he did what any awkward adolescent boy would probably do in this certain scenario. He just started following her around. No intention of talking to her because he knew that this was not something he could do. He just wanted a glimpse of this girl that he found so intriguing. After a few minutes of following her around he eventually lost her in the crowd and he thought to himself “oh well, that’s that”. But he was gravely mistaken, that wasn’t the last time he would see this chinese girl who we shall now refer to as “Kate” (obviously not her real name).

Several weeks later came the day that most high-school non coed students look forward to.. The fair. Now, for those of you who don’t know the fair is the one excuse for non-coed school to invite members of the opposite sex to visit the campus and well to simply put it, socialize.

So there he was enjoying what he would possibly classify as the best moment of the entire school year. See this boy was part of the Jail Booth committee thus making him a member of one of the most, if not the most profitable booths in the fair. And whether it be an adolescent boy or an aging man, monetary gain is always something to make you smile. He then continued on with his business when suddenly the tides had turned on him. He was handcuffed and dragged to the marriage booth, now much to the boy’s surprise when he looked at the girl that he was for all rights and purposes “engaged’ to at that day, it was “Kate” (on a side note the boy didn’t know Kate’s name yet, but since this is a story written far in the future of this boy, I’ll just go ahead and say it to avoid any confusion).

The boy was stunned, he did not see this one coming at all. Had he known, he would’ve prepared something to say, considering his inadequate skills of communicating to a woman. So instead he resorted to petty squabbling with why he shouldn’t be handcuffed and bickering about how hot it was and completely trying his best to not talk to the girl due to inability to start a conversation with her. Kate then surprised him even more when she started a conversation. Now it wasn’t a deep conversation, it wasn’t life-changing and it was more small talk than anything but this had been an improvement for our protagonist for he never really had a decent conversation with a girl of the same age before. Eventually time passed by and the boy ended up getting married to Kate, in the fair of course and not in real life. Now during the course of time that the boy had spent with Kate, the boy made absolutely no effort to get in touch with Kate. He didn’t ask for her number or her email address, not because he didn’t want to, but simply because he didn’t know how. But fate has a strange way of arranging things for this boy, and even though yet again he thought that this would be the last time he’d get to talk to Kate. He was wrong yet again.