2010 in a nutshell.

Dear 2010,

You've been a crazy year. I'm sure this applies to a lot of people. There are many reasons to be thankful for what you've brought about, but at the same time there's also plenty of reasons to be pissed off at you. I've had my fair share of trials and tribulations with you but I can honestly say that I don't blame you. There are many things that I've learned from you. There are many things that I picked up from the pain you've brought about but also many good memories from the smiles you've brought to me.

I started with a trip to Bangkok with my dear radio family, a new adventure for me since I've never been there. I had plenty of kilig moments even if it cost me an arm and a leg to access the internet just emailing about flashes of lightning and talking about turtles. You taught me that sometimes things don't work out for a reason, sometimes people are really in your life for a different purpose.

You revived my ability to write. You taught me that whatever I felt would be better expressed written and that more often that not things that are unwritten should be let out in the open. You taught me that letting it go is as simple as being honest with what you really feel. You taught me that there is much happiness to be had when you see happiness in other people. You taught me the real meaning of being selfless.

Then you gave me new opportunities, you gave me something new yet again. You gave me a TV show to host which I'm amazingly proud to be part of. You gave me new friends and a new challenge, something to build up on and something to improve at.

Then you took me to a cloud, you brought me up so high. Met new friends along the way. You gave me hope, you gave me something to believe in. You inspired me and you reminded me that I can still feel that way about people. You reminded me of what it's like to have faith, to believe in something you can't even see, to fight for something that you truly think is worth it.

Then you brought me back down to the ground teaching me that opening up entirely is something you should be more reserved about. You taught me fear, you reminded me of trauma and you reminded me that life doesn't always work out the way you want it to, no matter how hard you believe in it or no matter how hard you fight for it. You taught me that there are some battles you can't win. You taught me about the ABCs of love and that no matter how painful it can get more often than not you will still give way. You will still learn how to forgive despite how unforgivable the situation may seem. You taught me that love doesn't always have to be a two-way street and that in REAL love you just give way to what the other person wants and it won't always conform to what you need.

But from the ground where you brought me to, you helped me up. You taught me that no matter what, friends will always be there for you. They will stand with you through thick and thin and that they will support you no matter how hopeless you may seem to them. They will always have your back as long as you're in the right path and that they will give you advice even if you don't seem to pay attention to them. You taught me that even when other people consider them as your "competition" friendship will always trump work. You taught me how important friends and family can be.

You let me realize that I have brothers from other mothers. Family that I've never known before and true camaraderie in the guise of laughter and insults.

They say that you should end the year right to start the year right....

At the end of this year, I will spend New Year's eve alone on the helipad of where I live watching the fireworks all by myself because if there's one thing that this year has taught me it's that I should learn how to do things on my own and I should learn to be alone.

At the end of year 2009, I was wishing for one thing. I was wishing for my next great love to come along. I was hoping for her to come around and I was hoping for a companion to go through life with. In the year 2010 life didn't give me what I asked for, instead it deemed that I should get COMPANIONS to go through life with. It may not be what I asked for but it's something of equal importance.

As this year comes to a close I will no longer wish for what I wished for in 2009. I just wish that I have the strength to stand on my own and that I learn to appreciate the things that I already have and the people who are already with me.

With that, I say goodbye to you 2010... I thank you for the lessons you have taught me, the people you've brought into my life and the trials that you've given me. I say goodbye to you with a smile on my face not because I'm glad that you're over, but because I'm glad that you've left me several lessons which I have yet to learn. I will greet 2011 with a big resounding hello and I can only hope that it's as great as you've been to me.

Love, Gino.

To the orange and his loneliness. Because nothing rhymes with it.

Here's something I write to you, to explain to you why I do the things I do.

At first I thought that I was for the best, but as it turns out I'm just like the rest.

I'm starting to clearly see, that that's really not what I'm meant to be.

When I first met you, you were troubled and you had a bit of misery but I could still see that you were pretty happy.

Now that I've come along, I somehow feel that for you it's just like a sad song.

I feel for you when you cry, I know how you feel without me even having to try.

I wanted nothing more than to make you happy, but now I can see I just make you feel crappy.

I wake up everyday thinking about you, sometimes I wish it weren't true.

I'm so conflicted with you, that I feel like I need to kneel on a church pew.

I pray EVERYDAY that you gain clarity, and a huge amount of serenity.

I want you to be free of thought, so you can forget the evil that was wrought.

I wanted nothing but the best for you, even if it means me being out of the queue.

I want you to know that each moment with you, for me is something magical. No matter how mundane or trivial.

I've always felt like a set of lyrics, misplaced from it's melody aimlessly wandering the sound waves of eternity but in you I found my harmony.

I wish you felt the same way, but I know that for you it's like finding a needle in a stack of hay.

I know you've got a lot to handle and that you're still broken. I thought that maybe your walls were something I could crack open.

But it seems you need isolation, which I'll give to you without hesitation.

Because that's what you do for the people you love, you'll give them A,B,C and all of the above.

I know now that I have to walk away, because in the end I know that without me you'll wake up to a better day.

So now I think I should say goodbye, and hope and pray to God that I don't cry.

Because the best thing in my life right now is you, now I guess I'll just have to make do.

The continuous story of a boy who loved with all his heart.

Chapter 3

Several months of not hearing from her obviously didn’t do him good. He didn’t really know how to handle himself after that, after all it was the first break up he had ever gone through. It wasn’t something he was used to, nor was it something that he had practice with. It had completely devastated him, whatever good falling in love did for him was the same amount of negativity he had to deal with when Kate left him. It had left a hole in his being, he had yet again felt unwanted, uncared for, and unloved. Back to normal I guess you could say, but this time around it’s a little bit more difficult. The yearning for love was already there, he already felt like he was missing something like he was incomplete without it. Sadly there was little he could do about it because Kate wouldn’t even pick up any of his calls, and the worst part about it is that he didn’t even know the reason for it. One of the many things that people find hard to handle during break-ups is not finding out why it happened. Closure is always important.

Now needless to say the boy’s friends weren’t oblivious of this. They knew that something was troubling him and they dealt with this the best way they could. They set him up with another girl by the name of “Anna”. Anna was great, she was nice, caring, friends with a bunch of his friends and well she was.. convenient. They got along well enough and she helped him ease the pain. But sadly Anna wasn’t Kate. But this boy knew nothing about love, knew nothing about what to do with it so since he knew that Anna liked him, he eventually started going out with her. Slowly Anna started making him feel whole again, but not as whole as Kate did because he knew that it just wasn’t the same. The hole that Kate left was still there, he didn’t know that he had to fill that up first by himself before he should let other people in.

And so a few days before Christmas, Anna was speaking to the boy over the phone. They had gotten into a relatively deep conversation about feelings and Anna had opened up to him and told him that she loved her. Thinking that he was already over Kate, the boy reciprocated and they decided that it’d be a great idea for them to be together. It was something new for him, it didn’t feel as magical as it did with Kate but he thought to himself, maybe it’ll grow over time. They said their goodbyes for that night and they put down the phone. Not a minute later the phone begins to ring, he picks it up and for a split-second his heart stops beating. It was a voice he hadn’t heard in a long time, a voice that he had missed dearly, a voice he had tried to forget over the past couple of months, a voice he completely didn’t expect to hear specially not a minute after he just got into a new relationship. It was Kate. She started off with a simple yet very straight to the point greeting “It’s Kate, how’ve you been? I missed you.” This made the boy’s heart jump right out and suddenly remember everything that he tried to cover up. Instantaneously a flood of emotions overcame the boy and he was just in shock. He couldn’t speak, and Kate noticed this. She started laughing and followed up with another question, “How’s your love life?” Then out of sheer panic and due to the sudden rush of emotions that overcame the boy had said something that until this day he regrets, his moment of sheer douche-baggery, the first time he ever became an asshole towards women and one of the biggest lies he’s ever had to live with. “It’s non-existent”.

He had told Kate that he wasn’t seeing anyone, wasn’t dating anyone, wasn’t in like or in love with anyone on the eve that he just got into a relationship with Anna. He had said so because he feared that Kate would disappear into the nether yet again like she did before. He completely disregarded the fact that he had just gotten into a commitment with Anna, and that she had done nothing to deserve such treatment. But the boy was in love still, and he didn’t know better. He didn’t even bother to correct himself with what he was saying that night, he stuck to it because he didn’t want to jeopardize the chance to rekindle whatever it was that he lost with Kate. Tonight he stepped into the world of being an asshole, being a liar and being selfish.

The continuous story of a boy who loved with all his heart.

Chapter 2

Several weeks after the fair the boy received a very strange call. Now he wasn't used to receiving personal calls at all, most of the time he'd just be answering the phone and handing it off to his dashing brothers since they were always the center of attention in whatever coed (or non-coed for that matter) school they went to. This time around it was a different story, this call was actually for him. It was a call from Kate. He was obviously shocked as to how she got his number and the bigger shock came after, why would she call? They talked and talked and it turned into a daily, or should we say nightly habit. He enjoyed it, every minute of it. For once he had felt special, for once he had felt liked, for once he had felt needed and most importantly, for once he had felt wanted. He had been sleep deprived for several weeks since these conversations would happen at night until the break of dawn discretely hiding under a blanket so whenever his parents would check up on him in his room it'd seem like he was just asleep. They hadn't even seen each other since the fair, and he missed Kate so he summed up the courage to ask her out to a birthday party. Kate unfortunately wasn't able to go, but he still had fun with the copious amounts of alcohol in the party, though he still felt like something was missing. See the thing with him is that he could never really enjoy parties or being outside when his mind was hovering on someone. He would always want to be with that person, so whilst enjoying the alcohol in the party he'd be on the phone with her. Concern was exchanged throughout this conversation, mostly coming from Kate, things like "don't drink too much, I worry about you" or "maybe you should go home already, I wouldn't want you getting drunk" now most members of the male species would find this irritating, they'd find it controlling, constricting even. He on the other hand loved this, he loved being protected, he loved knowing that someone was out there watching out for him, he loved knowing that at the end of it all someone cared enough for him, and so he paid attention. He went home only to talk to her some more.

Now throughout this entire conversation he noticed that Kate was using a certain term a lot almost to the point of just inserting it into any conversation that they'd have. So he eventually asked her why this was so, and for the first time this is when it hit him. This is when his world was rocked upside down, this is when he realized what he was missing out on, this is when he literally felt butterflies in his stomach, he felt his heart pounding and he felt it deep in his chest. Kate uttered 3 simple words in a gentle whisper-like manner.. "I love you". Naturally he said it back and he felt right. He felt that all the years of childhood oppression that he had received from the school bullies had been nullified by these words. He felt wanted, he felt in place, he felt needed, he felt amazing, he felt love. For a while this feeling lingered on and everything was right in the world.

He absolutely loved being in love, it was a terrific feeling. Now in a span of a month and half they had only seen each other twice. They talked regularly but he wasn't really allowed to go out much. The first time they had met when they were officially together he had to wait for Kate for 2 hours only to spend 15 minutes with her. But he was alright with this, he had deemed that she was worth the wait. No kisses were exchanged, no holding of hands, no hugs even for he really didn't know how to go about initiating these kinds of things and neither did she. But this was more than enough, it was a big step considering that their entire relationship was solely based on telephone conversations.

The 2nd meeting was another monumental step in his life. It was the first time he ever got to hold a girl's hand. It was the kind of holding hands experience where he wouldn't even want to move because he was so afraid of letting her go and disappointing her, holding hands so fiercely that your palms would eventually get sweaty. It felt like the world had given him a pat on the back for doing so, and to make things even better right before they parted ways, he got his first hug. Now it wasn't the best of hugs because in his panic he had accidentally put his hand on her butt which was something Kate didn't notice but for him it was an error of terrible magnitude. He felt like he had grown up that day. That he stepped into the world of becoming a man. And the reigning thought on his head was that he was still loved. He still felt it. He treasured it.

A week passed by after the 2nd meeting and he was preparing himself for a pitfall of sorts because he had just found out that Kate was apparently going to Baguio for an entire week since this happened during summer vacation. An entire week without talking to Kate for hours on a telephone seemed like a daunting task. It seemed like it'd take all of his strength to not miss her and to not spiral into sadness. But they made do with what little time they had talking on a cellphone for about 5 minutes a day, sending the occasional text message and calling each other for seconds every now and then just to remind each other that they loved one another. A few more days and he'd get through this.

The day that she had returned from her summer vacation felt like Christmas for him. He had been waiting by the phone the entire night knowing that she would call any minute, eagerly anticipating the ringing of the phone. The phone rings and he picks it up. They start conversing about what she had done in Baguio and what she had gotten him. Kate had a bracelet with his name on it obviously intended as a gift and they enjoyed the conversation they had about what she experienced in Baguio and he enjoyed it mostly because she was back in his life. Later on that night he started realizing that something was different, that something was missing, that something was off. He had a feeling of what it was but he refused to see it, eventually he then asked her if there was something wrong and she replied with silence. He knew there was something wrong, she then opened up and with 5 words she let him feel the single most grueling feeling he had felt in the 16 years that he had lived on this earth "can we be friends instead?"

He had never gone through this before, he didn't know that it'd be this painful, he didn't know that this was possible. He never saw this coming. And worst of all he didn't know that he could do something about it, so ignorantly he answered back "if that's what you want, then okay". They then found it hard to tak about anything after that mind-blowing line and they both said their goodnights and said goodbye. He'd been devastated, in a span of a month and a half he had gone through a 180 degree spin. From feeling on top of the world, to being on the bottom of the barrel. He was crushed, he lay down on the couch and he turned on the radio. Turning on the radio wasn't exactly the best idea because the minute he turned it on South Border's hauntingly melancholic hit at that time "Kahit Kailan" was playing.. and then he wept.

Several days of trying to get in touch with Kate didn't turn out so well either, he had gotten no replies from her. A week after she had changed her number without even letting him know. He started to doubt if that really happened to him, and he started to wonder what he did wrong. He just didn't know what to think anymore and he had felt forgotten, neglected and unwanted. He just wanted to get over it, but this wasn't as simple as it sounds. Nothing ever really is.

The continuous story of a boy who loved with all his heart.

Now I know that we all have our opinions of when life really starts, some people say it starts at 40, or so the saying goes. Most people say it’s when you have a family, I on the other hand believe that life starts when you first feel love. Not the unconditional kind that you feel towards your family, but the kind of love that you volunteer for, the kind that hurts you when you don’t protect yourself from it. The kind of love that sticks out, the kind of love that you remember for a lifetime. This story is a recollection of a boy’s journey through love. And it starts with the first one.

CHAPTER 1

It all started when he was 16 years old. He was still in high school back then, not a care in the world whether it be for school, for the future or for love and relationships. Obviously this boy had already gotten crushes, the kind of which he felt passionately about but never really lasted for more than a week or so. He’d of course found women attractive already, but was never truly captivated by them, for this boy all he’d really care about is when he’d get to play billiards, go to a party, or play video games. Pretty typical considering his age. During one of those random moments where he just felt like he needed to go out, he went to a mall to meet up with a bunch of friends, now during this time cellular phones weren’t exactly common and he’d have to rely on his friends agreeing to meet up at a certain time and a certain place. Considering this was the Philippines everybody would come late, except for him. So off he went, aimlessly wandering the malls until he’d bump into his friends who he was supposed to meet up with. Little did he know that on this day he would meet the first ever person to show him the exact meaning of what love is.

She had jet black long hair, chinky eyes which he finds endearing, and a smile that’d put the sun to shame. Being the adolescent boy that he was, he was immediately attracted to her. Now, you have to take into consideration that this boy had never really had a decent conversation with a girl before because he came from an all boys school, that and he was going through puberty. Confidence wasn’t exactly his strongest suit, so he did what any awkward adolescent boy would probably do in this certain scenario. He just started following her around. No intention of talking to her because he knew that this was not something he could do. He just wanted a glimpse of this girl that he found so intriguing. After a few minutes of following her around he eventually lost her in the crowd and he thought to himself “oh well, that’s that”. But he was gravely mistaken, that wasn’t the last time he would see this chinese girl who we shall now refer to as “Kate” (obviously not her real name).

Several weeks later came the day that most high-school non coed students look forward to.. The fair. Now, for those of you who don’t know the fair is the one excuse for non-coed school to invite members of the opposite sex to visit the campus and well to simply put it, socialize.

So there he was enjoying what he would possibly classify as the best moment of the entire school year. See this boy was part of the Jail Booth committee thus making him a member of one of the most, if not the most profitable booths in the fair. And whether it be an adolescent boy or an aging man, monetary gain is always something to make you smile. He then continued on with his business when suddenly the tides had turned on him. He was handcuffed and dragged to the marriage booth, now much to the boy’s surprise when he looked at the girl that he was for all rights and purposes “engaged’ to at that day, it was “Kate” (on a side note the boy didn’t know Kate’s name yet, but since this is a story written far in the future of this boy, I’ll just go ahead and say it to avoid any confusion).

The boy was stunned, he did not see this one coming at all. Had he known, he would’ve prepared something to say, considering his inadequate skills of communicating to a woman. So instead he resorted to petty squabbling with why he shouldn’t be handcuffed and bickering about how hot it was and completely trying his best to not talk to the girl due to inability to start a conversation with her. Kate then surprised him even more when she started a conversation. Now it wasn’t a deep conversation, it wasn’t life-changing and it was more small talk than anything but this had been an improvement for our protagonist for he never really had a decent conversation with a girl of the same age before. Eventually time passed by and the boy ended up getting married to Kate, in the fair of course and not in real life. Now during the course of time that the boy had spent with Kate, the boy made absolutely no effort to get in touch with Kate. He didn’t ask for her number or her email address, not because he didn’t want to, but simply because he didn’t know how. But fate has a strange way of arranging things for this boy, and even though yet again he thought that this would be the last time he’d get to talk to Kate. He was wrong yet again.

Unwritten

There's a million things that I haven't said to you, and I hope that somehow you actually get to read this, so this one's for you.

I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough for you. I'm sorry that I couldn't find the courage to stand up for you. I hope you know that it's not because of a lack of love, but it's because a different kind of love is conflicting with my standing up for you. I know that this may seem unfair to you, and trust me it's unfair for me too, but one of the things I've learned is that things are almost always never fair. This may seem trivial to you and you may not understand it but I hope that one day you will.

I'm sure that as of this point you're questioning exactly how deep my love for you is so let me try to point out a fraction of the things that I loved about you, because I don't think any website could handle the amount of things that I'd have to type in to describe the way I feel about you and the things that I love about you.

I loved the way you smell. I know this sounds silly but with or without perfume your scent always haunts me wherever I go, I loved hugging you because it'd give me the chance to catch a whiff of your scent. It calms me down, it lets me know that no matter how tough my day is, was or will be it'll get better soon. It sends shivers up and down my head that I just can't explain. Just the thought of it already makes me smile.

I loved how I could tell the way you were feeling by looking at your feet, I'd know if you were excited or amazingly happy when your feet would start tapping away like crazy, it's almost like you were trying to imitate the penguin dance from happy feet and with that of course comes this amazing smile that you have. A smile that just takes peoples' breath away. It's not one of those generic "I need to look good for a photo" smiles, but a genuine heartfelt beaming smile. It was always something I worked hard on because I loved seeing that smile on your face. It was always rewarding for me because I felt that I just saved the world whenever I'd see that smile on your face.

I loved how every time we'd see each other it felt like we hadn't seen each other in years. You'd jump up and down all excited to see me and I'd just be smiling at you deliriously happy to see me. And for some odd reason every time you'd say "what" your tongue would sort of stick out. That for me was just extraordinarily cute.

I loved how you'd call me while I was still sleeping even if it was already lunch time, telling me that you miss me and that you were on your way to my house to bring me food, I still think about that every time someone calls me when I'm asleep, secretly hoping that it's you.

I loved how random we could be and how we could spend hours in the car just parked somewhere and we'd be talking about whatever it is that we wanted to talk about from the most mundane things up to the most relevant issues.

I loved how you understood my being a geek, not everyone gets that. And not only did you understand it, you actually immersed yourself in it. Graphic novels and playing computer games wasn't exactly in your vocabulary but you got yourself into it.

I loved how I could be so open to you about whatever it is that I was feeling and that I could tell you anything, no matter how stupid it sounded. You still listened.

I loved how you made me feel like I was part of your family.

I loved how you made me feel complete, despite whatever crap I was going through back then.

I loved how you forgave me despite my many unforgivable moments of idiocy. That's something not everyone can do.

I know you've found someone new, and trust me when I say I'm not writing this to bring you back or to confuse you. I'm simply writing this to let you know once and for all what exactly I'm going through without you. I wish you luck and I pray to God that the lucky guy you're with right now sees all the wonderful things that I saw in you. Like everything else I wrote earlier, I wish I could say I loved you, but I can't because..

I still do.

A Letter to the Filipino Youth

I very rarely blog about anything of REAL depth. Today however I think I should make an exception. A good friend of mine wrote the letter below because of todays events.

I think it's the best place to start rebuilding our country's already tarnished reputation.



A Letter to the Filipino Youth

I would like this entry to be a vessel of words that every unassuming, Filipino youth can call his or her own.

Today I witnessed one of the most atrocious acts humanity has ever seen. Blood spilt, fingers pointed in all directions, and so much compassion and sympathy turning into spite and anger. Fellow Filipinos, I feel your pain. I feel your anger. Whether it is with the media, whose blind incompetence further fed a madman’s blood lust. Or Manila’s Finest, whose obvious lack of training has made a possibly peaceful exchange into a bloody altercation. We are even angry at our leaders, our politicians, who seemingly did nothing but throw out words and blame at each other, and exclaim the sorry state of our mother nation. Yes, I, as you, am deeply livid. Livid to the point of shame towards my nationality. But as I cursed and screamed and cried, I came to realize something: I have been looking through a telescope. Quirino Grandstand is miles away as I wept in distance. Truth be told, it is very easy not to care. How will this really affect the food I eat, the job or school I go to, or the people I say my hello’s and goodnight’s to? But to hell with that! The fact of the matter is, I DO care. There is a sense of nationalistic altruism in my blood somehow.

If only though a telescope.

I urge you, fellow Filipinos, to look at a mirror instead.

I have come to recognize that none of this would’ve happened if it weren’t for me. I am to blame. And I accept all the repercussions this event entails. I have not always REALLY cared for this country. This morning, I was not thinking about the inherent problems of social media. I was not pondering on answers for poverty. I was not thinking of how I could be a part of the solution for corruption and street violence. This morning, I had my own life. And suddenly, with the whole world watching, with the problem growing out of proportion, and with my fellow Filipinos affected, I began to care like a mother to her crying child. I am a sleeping giant, poked by a pin. Now, all my thoughts are dedicated to the flaws of Philippine government and media. And all my emotions are dedicated towards nationalism and unity. I am angered and displeased. But what have I done? I’ve simply tweeted some curses, blamed some people, offered a few well wishes and prayers, and that’s it.

One month from now, I will not think of Captain Mendoza or the people who have died and suffered in this ordeal. And why should I? Life goes on. But I ask you, fellow Filipinos, WHERE do we move on to? How do we live our lives from here? I believe that today was a message from God. Maybe I SHOULD think about the country more often. Maybe I SHOULD start doing something of my own to remedy the problems plaguing our nation. Maybe I SHOULD add the country to my nightly prayers. Right after I pray for my parents. My brothers. My sisters. All of whom I love dearly. Maybe I SHOULD start loving the country like I love them.

I place blame on myself because had I been doing all these things, had I lived my life even 10% more towards Nationalism and the improvement of my environment, I think maybe people like Captain Mendoza wouldn’t exist. Maybe media wouldn’t be so defective. Maybe our police officers would be more adept. And maybe, just maybe, I wouldn’t have to have my telescopic sympathy turn into blind rage.

When Ondoy struck, I wept for this country. I handed out my donations, did volunteer work, and helped rebuild our city. But what then? What now? Honestly speaking, for me, Ondoy is past and I have not really done anything to remedy the situation. I am not even close to ready in case another storm of that magnitude hits. I’ve stopped caring. Even when deep inside me, I know I should care more. And even when, back then, I felt like I wanted to help the entire world. And for this, I am truly sorry.

Conversely, this is why I am truly sorry for the events that transpired today. I am at fault. I promise to do better. I promise to be a beacon of change. I promise to admit my faults and my selective sympathy. I promise that I will live my life, even to the least extent, making sure that something like this will never happen again.

I am deeply sorry, humanity. I ask that you forgive not only Captain Mendoza, or the media, or the police, but I as well. I am at debt to you and I can only hope that my words can help my fellow youth feel as I do.

**

I am Jay Abastillas. A Filipino. 22 years old. And I am sorry that I don’t pray for the country enough.

Freedom and Independence (not the two shuttles from Armageddon)

Originally I was supposed to write an entry in all Filipino (or Tagalog whichever you prefer) but I figured that sadly I can express my thoughts better in English since my train of thought is well, in English.

What exactly is Independence? The dictionary defines it as freedom from the control, influence, support, aid, or the like, of others. Honestly when it comes to politics and all of that I have no idea as to how it feels like to be under the control of a foreign power or the like or maybe a dictatorship since I was fortunate enough to be born in a time where we can really say that we have our independence. So instead of writing about something I have no idea about I'm gonna tell you about the way I see independence.

I live alone. I pay for my own bills, I pretty much control my time and whatever it is that I want to do at home (whether it be something kinky or not I leave up to your imagination) but basically what I'm trying to say is that the way I define independence is being free of control from my parents. I love my parents don't get me wrong, but I honestly think that I was born as a free spirit or so it says on my zodiac sign, I thrive on being able to do what I want to and I'm more responsible this way. Independence is a responsibility, it's a big one at that. It's not something that you can just have, it's something that you earn, something that you fight for, something that even when you already have it you constantly have to work for it. It's power in it's rawest essence and as the immortal line from spider man goes, with great power comes.... you know the rest. I know that most people in this generation don't really value the high price we paid for our independence, I sincerely hope that we start to act like we're at least grateful for what was given to us by our ancestors who traded literally blood and tears to have what it is that we so callously take for granted now.

I for one know that I've been taking it for granted, yeah I can speak Tagalog but I'd like to think that I should be friggin excellent at it since I've been in the Philippines my entire life. I understand Ilonggo since I lived there for about 3 years and I speak "fluent" Cebuano since I lived there for 4 years but Filipino is something that I should be more comfortable with since technically it should be my first language. Westernization is of course a big factor in all of this 95% of the movies I watch are Hollywood films and 90% of the TV shows that I watch are also shows from the UK or from the US.

Whenever people ask me why I don't move to a different country where supposedly opportunities are better I always tell them "I can't because I'm too comfortable here in the Philippines", and for those of you who know me, you'd know that I'm a creature of comfort. Whenever I go abroad for a vacation I can only stay in whatever country for a maximum of 4 days because I get homesick.

This entire weekend I tried to pay homage to being a Filipino by doing the Friday radio show in mostly Tagalog, on Saturday I TRIED tweeting entirely in Tagalog as well, and on Sunday Party Pilipinas did an independence day tribute. From saying "patotoy" on air instead of patotot, to screwing up my tenses on twitter, all the way to watching Filipino classics (that brought me back to my childhood) being performed on Party Pilipinas I had only one thought throughout this entire weekend.

I am damn proud to be Pinoy.

Happy Independence day everyone :)

The Road to Recovery

Today, as I was walking by Emerald avenue, I started to realize a few things about my life so far. Lately I've been sulking around because of the fact that I'm completely not used to being single, I love the intimacy that relationships bring, I love the so called "duties" that come along with it. Always having someone around you when you need to watch a film, never feeling like a 3rd wheel or a 5th wheel for that matter when you're surrounded by couples. Always having someone to go to when you feel lonely, or when you've had a bad day, and having someone to give you that more than friendly hug when you really need it. Today I realized that I'm getting used to being alone. I watch movies on my own, or with a bunch of friends (even if I do end up being a 5th wheel). I shop on my own, I go around the mall on my own, I wake up alone. I'm starting to learn how to breathe on my own again. Little by little, I'm getting used to doing things on my own, enjoying tv shows on my own, enjoying food on my own or whatever it maybe.. I'm just starting to like hanging out with myself.

A friend of mine joked about setting me up with his girlfriends' friends, the girlfriend immediately said "why would I do that?" Now normally this would've been a crushing blow to my pride or my ego possibly thinking to myself "Why? am I not date-able?" Today it didn't affect me as much because I know now that I'm not ready to do so. I want to, definitely but I'm sure I'm just not ready for it yet. I've always had a safety net, I've never really recovered from a break up "cleanly".. I've always had someone on the bench (or something to that effect). This time around I have to get through it on my own, I have to be able to stand on my own two feet again without using crutches. I need to be able to rediscover myself. Cliche as it may be people always say that before you can love others you have to start loving yourself. I honestly think that because of the fact that I'm so used to being in a relationship and having someone there who loves me, I've sort of forgotten how to love myself. This time around, I'm learning to do so. I'm remembering what I like about me, I'm remembering what I feel is special about me and I'm really getting to know who I am and what I'm like.

It's not easy discovering things about yourself specially when you thought that you were the complete opposite of what you just discovered. But sometimes you just have to play through the pain to get what you want or basically to get what you need. It may take long, but I think that at the end of it all, it'll be worth it.

Promises

What is it about promises really? What makes them so elusive? Why is it that the more you promise to do something the harder it is to do? Is it simply human nature to go against what it is that they say? Reverse psychology maybe? I'm sure you can relate to what I'm talking about.

In any relationship that you get into, whether it be a friendly one, or an intimate one, you're bound to make promises. "I promise to pick you up at 7:30" you get there at 8, "I promise to not cheat or lie" you end up doing both simultaneously, "I promise I'll be there" you end up going somewhere else, and finally the most commonly broken promise "I promise I'll never leave you" this is the probably the worst statement that could ever come out of anyone's mouth because 95% of the time it gets broken. I mean think about it, when you were in high school (or if you still are) we threw this word around so easily, yet really think about it, this is IMPOSSIBLE to keep. You're bound to end up with someone else, you're bound to end up disagreeing and breaking up, or even if love is there and you do stay together, you die eventually, thus leaving the person right? So yet again, it's an un-kept promise. This I think is already common knowledge.

Why do we still believe it? We buy into every word that they throw at us, believing with all of your heart that they really won't leave you. In theory, it's a lot like telling an 18 year old that hey Santa's real. We know it's not true, but we still believe it, we still take the bait. Not the smartest decision, but can we really help it? I mean can you honestly tell yourself that whoever is telling you that is telling you a big fat juicy lie? Is it in our nature to doubt such things? and even if it's not in our nature can we actually tell ourselves that it isn't true? Or am I the only sucker here? Do I believe in the goodness of people too much? Do I believe in the fairy tale ending that everyone deserves? Do I believe that everyone is capable of goodness, that everyone is capable of sticking to their word? I mean I myself have used the "I'll never leave you" line before, obviously I didn't stick to it. I'm not being Pontius-Pilatey about it, I'm just asking myself and you, Why do we still believe this crock of shit?

Bright side of it I guess is that at the end of the day, there's still hope inside most of us. Hope that one day, that statement will actually hold true.

"To promise not to do a thing is the surest way in the world to make somebody want to go and do that very thing." -Mark Twain, The Adventures of Tom Sawyer

Look A-Likes

I just thought I'd post something that I think is funny for a change :) Celebrity look a-likes.

Mario & Chris Rock
















Lebron James & Brian Mcknight

















Josh Hartnett & Tommy Lee Jones


















Clottey & Goro

Left 4 Dead

Contrary to what you're probably thinking this post isn't exactly about the game Left 4 dead. It does however have a similar feel to it, minus the zombies and the guns.

Lately I've been seeing that people around me have been dating, starting to like other people, falling in love, staying in love and even getting married. What's the deal? Did Cupid drop by and shoot a nationwide arrow somehow managing to miss me? Or am I just starting to feel jaded?

I'm happy for the people who have been finding love in the most unusual places, really I am though sometimes I think to myself, how come I'm not in their position? Is it a choice I made? Is it just luck of the draw? Or am I just shutting myself out to the rest of the world? Truth be told I have no real reason to feel sad, or to be depressed, things have been going pretty well for me in all the other aspects of my life but it just so happens that this part of life really gets me, and more often than not either I don't find myself in these situations or I just completely screw them up. It makes me wonder, is there something wrong with me? Maybe there's just something about me that doesn't attract these things. Yet again I am left befuddled by this stupid situation and yet again,


I feel left out.

Gino and Fran's new adventure :)

So today I did something completely random. A friend of mine asked me to vote for her cousin for an online competition which I had absolutely no idea about whatsoever.. When I checked out the website apparently it was a competition for United Colors of Benetton.

If you get to the top 20 they basically ship you off to New York to do a shoot for Benetton which is FANTASTIC. I mean going to New York alone is reward enough right? So I thought to myself why the heck not? And then I came up with an even better idea, ask Fran to join. So now since campaigning is apparently the "in-thing" We're gonna do it too. Don't worry we won't come up with mind-drilling, LSS capable jingles to brainwash you to vote, I'm just gonna ask you guys to do so.

So please if you have the time, vote for us! It's really easy, all you have to do is sign up and vote :) You can vote once everyday for the same person at least :)

Send Fran and I to New York, and we'll get you awesome things from there. (mostly stories) :)

http://casting.benetton.com/users/305106-gino-quillamor

http://casting.benetton.com/users/306538-monica-francesca-tobias

I can't seem to turn it into a link so just copy paste the url to your browser :) haha Muchos Gracias! :)

The eternal battle of the heart and the mind.

Have you ever been faced with a situation where you SUPPOSEDLY know what the right thing to do is? yet after you're done with that decision you feel terribly wrong about it and you feel as if you got cheated out of life? Situations where you sacrifice your own happiness, your own well-being to make other people happy? Situations where in your mind you're just absolutely right, but completely wrong in your heart. Logically sound yet emotionally crushing choices.

Did you ever wonder if it was the right choice? How do you decide which one to go with? Which one can you live with more? In one corner you can breathe easy knowing that you did the right thing but at the same time, despite the "clear conscience" so to speak, you are just devastated, like there's a big gaping hole in your chest. You find yourself constantly looking back and thinking "did I really make the right choice?". If it was the right choice why does it feel so bad?

On the other hand, would you be able to live with yourself if you went with the emotional choice? The "screw everyone else, I want to be happy" choice? Maybe you're happy, maybe 1 other person is happy. But what about everyone else? Is it justifiable to save your own heart and break others in the process? Would you be able to sleep at night knowing that you saved yourself and completely damned others who were already in distress?

Maybe there is no right choice, maybe it's just a matter of sucking up to the consequences of whatever action it is that you do. Maybe at the end of the day all you really need is strength to fight for what you really believe in. Courage despite the seemingly impossible odds. Determination for what you really want more.

Is it wrong to think that maybe, just maybe God values you fighting for your own happiness just as much as fighting for other peoples' happiness? Maybe there is no high ground. Maybe it's just two different islands both on the same level, just take your pick at which island it is that you want to be at.

Another question I have in my head is, if you already picked one island, is it too late to go back to the other?

At the very end of writing all of this I discovered one thing..



Clarity is a bitch to find.

The game of life, or should I say the game that is life.

As a kid my mom always told me that computer games are a waste of time, actually I think a lot of women in general think this. What most people don't know is that well at least for me, I learn A LOT of things from the games that I play. I know that sounds absurd but believe it or not, it's a reality.

On an academic note, the game Shogun : Total war taught me everything I know about Japan's history. From the Daimyo to the Shoguns to well basically everything abuot medieval Japan.


You can relate computer games to so many things in life, like for example Rockman for our Japanese friends or Megaman for our western hemisphere friends. For those of you who are not familiar with this game, you basically play as a man-robot boy with a laser cannon on your hand, you go through different levels and at the end of it all you fight a boss monster and when you kill the boss monster you get his/her power.

This is a lot like any relationship that you go through, at the end of it all, you might end up killing each other (figuratively hopefully), but either way you always learn something new. You always get a little bit stronger from the blows that you've taken from each other.

In most RPG's (Role playing games) that I play, more often than not you have choices which you have to make. Let's use Star Wars Knights of the old republic as an example. Basically you adventure through out the star wars world as a would be Jedi or Sith. I would always go to the Jedi direction, I would always make the "good" choices in game, whether it be saving an entire race from completely getting annihilated to convincing a once Jedi student to return back to the path of light after her descent into the dark side.

Now you're probably saying to yourself, okay how does that help me? Whenever I face a situation in my life where I did something morally questionable and I doubt my principles and morals. I remember the choices that I make whenever I start playing games like Star Wars KOTOR. For me it acts as a constant reminder that yes, sometimes I do make bad choices but deep down inside I'm a good guy and I know that I can make the right choices no matter how tough they seem to be. That I'm willing to stand by what's right even if it conflicts with what I want most of the time because at the end of it all I can look back and tell myself that hey I did make the right choice and as geeky as it may seem I am a Jedi. I'm sure some of you are saying, yeah the sith are cool, and yes I agree they can kick-ass but they're also the bad guys. Do you really want to be one? I know for a fact that I don't want to be one.

And for my final point and the game that made me realize all of this. The Mass Effect series. This game literally made me fall in love with games all over again, the story, the characters the delivery of the lines, the CGI acting, the plot. Everything's just amazing, but of course every now and then there are low points, certain parts of the game where it may seem repetitive and well routine-like. Like how you have to do well the same quest over and over again because well maybe you just need to, maybe because you failed at it once and that you have to just try again to get it right. But the feeling of accomplishment and content and general happiness of finishing that quest is pretty much reward enough for all the hard work that you put into it. More often than not when I'm so hooked onto a game I literally can't function as much as I want to without at least playing with the game for a bit.

This reminds me of what relationships are like, at the start of it all you'll be extremely ecstatic about it. You'll be in relationship bliss where nothing can go wrong and where everything is fresh, new and well amazingly beautiful. Then you hit your speed bumps, parts where you wish you could just have saved at that point in time and re-loaded every time you screw up. There are times when it seems monotonous and it seems like the things you're doing are only for routine's sake. But once you get over this hump you're back on relationship-nirvana again. And it makes all the tough times worth it. When you feel like you can't go on a single day without spending time or talking to the one you love.

But like all games, relationships end. And all you can hope for is a sequel, or for the next mind blowing relationship to come along and completely sweep you off your feet again.

The things you miss.

I'm happy with the way things are going in my life, I guess I can say that right? I mean with "the secret" and all I guess that would be the best statement one can make. But even with that, even with the happiest most content person in the world, I'm thinking that there just HAS to be something you miss right? I mean you can't ever be too content with your life. The way I figure it, the day that you're too content with your life is the day you stop doing anything progressive.

Off the top of my head things that I miss are mostly, well fine all about being in a relationship. First off, I'm sure that for everyone who's really fallen in love you already know that the feeling of being in love alone is a feeling that is definitely miss-able. Even if its unrequited love, yeah it's painful but it's still a good feeling to have. Obviously mutual love is a much much better feeling the feeling of loving someone and the feeling that that someone loves you back is well, to die for. It's just that there are so many miss-worthy things about being in a relationship. It's nice to have someone to watch a movie with. Someone to have dinner with after the movie. It's nice that you get to walk around and she just sort of hugs your upper arm and leans her head on your shoulder. It's nice that after a really terrible day you know for a fact there's an extremely wonderful hug waiting for you the minute you see her. I know it sounds stupid but sometimes when you haven't seen each other for a while the minute you see each other you sort of like do a little hop because of how excited you are. It's nice that she stays up with you whenever you need to stay up. It's nice to get messages during random times of the day asking you if you're okay or asking about your day. It's nice to see that out of nowhere you'll get a message saying she misses you, or as cheesy as it maybe that she's thinking about you. It's nice that while you're sleeping you get a phone call and the first thing you hear in the morning is the sound of her voice waking you up and telling you that she misses you. It's nice that when you're at work she just surprises you with food because she knows that you get hungry all the time. It's nice that you can go to "date places" or "couple places" and feel totally comfortable there and not out of place. It's nice to have little rituals that you both share. It's nice to have couples massages. It's nice that whenever you're going through a tough time she'll be there to hold your hand. It's nice that after every time you get into an argument you sort of feel like your love is renewed, well that and other things. It's nice that when you hang out you don't even have to talk at all and still have a completely good time. It's nice that sometimes you're in one room together and you're just doing the things you want to do, and she's just doing the things she wants to do and you both completely understand each other. It's nice that whenever you go out sometimes you realize that you'd rather just stay in. It's nice to have someone to watch a DVD of your choice and then to compromise you watch a DVD of her choice right after. It's nice to have someone to cuddle with when it's cold.

Looking at this really long list of things I miss. Yeah I think it's safe to say that I miss being in a relationship.

Mirror match

For two straight nights now I've had bad dreams, the first night was about my past so I'm not gonna get into that right now. The one I had earlier today though was just absolutely disturbing. I don't know if you guys ever got to watch this old horror film called the shining. If you're a 30 seconds to mars fan, it was where they got the concept for the video of the kill.

Basically the setting was in a nice hotel, but strangely nobody was there. Usually I remember all my dreams but with this one I just got flashes of the scenes from it, basically first off the hotel receptionist turned out to be this big Frankenstein looking monster, not the cute nice guy looking kind but the murderous ogre-like looking one. It basically picked me up with one hand by my neck and tossed me into a hotel room where I saw a duplicate of me. But this duplicate had blood smeared all over his face and a bloody knife to boot. I know it doesn't sound too scary but I still feel really creeped out thinking about it. The images were so vivid in my head like they had been seared into my brain via hot metal. Aside from the mirror image me trying to chase me down with a knife I also saw a girl I liked throwing knives at me, take note KNIVES not a knife, and with every hit I took I would slow down, because obviously I was trying to run away from murderer me and murderer chick. Just before the final blow delivered by murderous me, I woke up with a deep gasp.

So this got me thinking, what was this dream about? Why is it happening now? Why was I scared of myself? Is my subconscious trying to tell me something? Maybe the new me is killing the old me? Maybe I just have so many skeletons in my closet that it's starting to occupy my dreams? or maybe I ate bad chicken before I went to bed. Who knows?

All I know is now, I'm trying to think of why I would be afraid of myself, and why I would have a murderer-like mirror image in my dreams. I'm terrified to go to sleep still. Or maybe my self-loathing has gone on to a different level. I really don't know.

Cold Turkey

Earlier on in the day when I had just gotten out of bed, there were so many things I wanted to write about. So many thoughts I wanted to let out, so many things I wanted to say but I ended up not getting to do any of that. I ended up dumb-founded and confused. My brain ended up swimming in a sea of random thoughts, random scenarios, things that could've happened, things I wish would've happened and the things that did happen. And now as I start thinking about all of that and combining all of them together I started to realize that the mind I think is a torture device purposely put into the human body to constantly keep your life in check, never letting you become too lenient, too content, or too happy. There is apparently no greater prison than a man's mind.

You can dream about the best scenarios, anything from getting super powers, thinking of what to do if you got for yourself a hundred million dollars, imagining people naked, imagining a better image of you, and even a true love scenario. What sucks most about this is it gives you such vivid images, it gives you ultimate control over whatever it is that you want control over because you're just dreaming everything up.

But the minute you open your eyes you start to realize how you're just normal with no powers, that you're financially unstable, that the person in front of you is fully clothed, that you DO NOT have a 6-pack and that you're single and alone. I mean seriously why do we even think of such things? Why torture yourself and evade reality for a bit just to give you a taste of heaven for a little bit and then shortly after brutally rip it out of your system. Imagine smokers inhaling on a fine stream of nicotine and then mid-puff just pulling the stick away and never giving it back again. Imagine a mother giving birth to her baby and the minute labor is done just instantaneously take away the baby and never let her see him/her again. Imagine being extremely thirsty and just as you're about to sip on the most refreshing glass of water in your entire life the glass spills over. Imagine finding someone you've been looking for for so long finally giving you the sense of happiness that you think you deserve and then just POOF vanishing into thin air. Why do we play with these thoughts in our heads?

I know that dreaming gives you hope, but at the same time it makes you dread reality. I hope they come up with a lucid dream machine eventually, I think I'd like staying there for the time being.

*

Pawned

You know how in battle so many sacrifices are made for the so called “greater good”? Today I realized that life is pretty much just a lot like chess, you have the king and queen, obviously the most important pieces, the rooks, the knights, and the bishops, and then you have your lowly pawn. Now I’m no expert on chess but I do know the rules and I know for a fact that sometimes in order to make your higher ranking chess pieces get the best position for the check mate or even just a check, more often than not you’ll have to sacrifice some pawns.

I personally know through firsthand experience that losing a pawn is nowhere near as painful as losing a bishop, or for more obvious reasons the king piece. It’s just the way things are, you sacrifice the less powerful, less influential pieces for you to attain what you truly want or value. No tears are shed (figuratively) over losing a pawn, and I know this may sound stupid but if you truly see past the game I believe that pawns matter. Does anyone ever care about how the pawn feels? About how the pawn could actually turn the tide of battle? Or how a pawn can achieve greatness given the chance? Queens on the other hand move all over the board, they have the most power, it's the most valuable piece on the board in terms of purpose, when you lose a queen I'm sure you'd feel it. It’d be nice if players started treating the pawn with a little bit more importance than what we usually give it.

They say that for you to be a good strategist you have to value each and every single unit you have, whether it be a pawn, a knight, a bishop, a rook, a queen or a king. But of course this is not how we think, I mean losing in an online game or something is translated to you just got pawned. Go figure.

Interpret this in whatever way you like, it can apply to so many situations in your life. But I guess my point here is to make people realize that pawns have the ability to be great, the ability to do well. I mean after all you shouldn’t forget that when a pawn gets to the very end of the board.. it can be whatever you want it to be.

Treat your pawns right. No matter how lowly they may be.

*I just realized this right before I was just about to post this, a pawn can be whatever figure on the board, except the most important one... The king.

Oh well..

I heard this song today and realized how much this song meant to me back in the day, I know it's gay but whatever I'm posting it anyway. :) f*cking boy bands and the lyrics they come up with.

98 degrees - Invisible Man

You can hardly
wait to tell all your friends
How his kisses taste sweet like wine
And how he always
makes your heart skip a beat
Every time he walks by
And if you're feeling down
He'll pick you up
He'll hold you close when
you're makin' love
He's everything
you've been dreaming of
Oh baby

I wish you'd look at me that way
Your beautiful eyes
lookin' deep into mine
Telling me more than
any words could say
But you don't even know I'm alive
Baby to you all I am
Is the invisible man

You probably spend
hours on the phone
Talkin' 'bout nothing at all
It doesn't matter
what the conversation
Just as long as he called
Lost in a love so real
And so sincere
You wipe away each other's tears
Your face lights up
whenever he appears

I see you all the time baby
The way you look at him
I wish it was me sweetheart
Boy I wish it was me
But I guess I'll never be...