Tuesday, January 19, 2010

The things you miss.

I'm happy with the way things are going in my life, I guess I can say that right? I mean with "the secret" and all I guess that would be the best statement one can make. But even with that, even with the happiest most content person in the world, I'm thinking that there just HAS to be something you miss right? I mean you can't ever be too content with your life. The way I figure it, the day that you're too content with your life is the day you stop doing anything progressive.

Off the top of my head things that I miss are mostly, well fine all about being in a relationship. First off, I'm sure that for everyone who's really fallen in love you already know that the feeling of being in love alone is a feeling that is definitely miss-able. Even if its unrequited love, yeah it's painful but it's still a good feeling to have. Obviously mutual love is a much much better feeling the feeling of loving someone and the feeling that that someone loves you back is well, to die for. It's just that there are so many miss-worthy things about being in a relationship. It's nice to have someone to watch a movie with. Someone to have dinner with after the movie. It's nice that you get to walk around and she just sort of hugs your upper arm and leans her head on your shoulder. It's nice that after a really terrible day you know for a fact there's an extremely wonderful hug waiting for you the minute you see her. I know it sounds stupid but sometimes when you haven't seen each other for a while the minute you see each other you sort of like do a little hop because of how excited you are. It's nice that she stays up with you whenever you need to stay up. It's nice to get messages during random times of the day asking you if you're okay or asking about your day. It's nice to see that out of nowhere you'll get a message saying she misses you, or as cheesy as it maybe that she's thinking about you. It's nice that while you're sleeping you get a phone call and the first thing you hear in the morning is the sound of her voice waking you up and telling you that she misses you. It's nice that when you're at work she just surprises you with food because she knows that you get hungry all the time. It's nice that you can go to "date places" or "couple places" and feel totally comfortable there and not out of place. It's nice to have little rituals that you both share. It's nice to have couples massages. It's nice that whenever you're going through a tough time she'll be there to hold your hand. It's nice that after every time you get into an argument you sort of feel like your love is renewed, well that and other things. It's nice that when you hang out you don't even have to talk at all and still have a completely good time. It's nice that sometimes you're in one room together and you're just doing the things you want to do, and she's just doing the things she wants to do and you both completely understand each other. It's nice that whenever you go out sometimes you realize that you'd rather just stay in. It's nice to have someone to watch a DVD of your choice and then to compromise you watch a DVD of her choice right after. It's nice to have someone to cuddle with when it's cold.

Looking at this really long list of things I miss. Yeah I think it's safe to say that I miss being in a relationship.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Mirror match

For two straight nights now I've had bad dreams, the first night was about my past so I'm not gonna get into that right now. The one I had earlier today though was just absolutely disturbing. I don't know if you guys ever got to watch this old horror film called the shining. If you're a 30 seconds to mars fan, it was where they got the concept for the video of the kill.

Basically the setting was in a nice hotel, but strangely nobody was there. Usually I remember all my dreams but with this one I just got flashes of the scenes from it, basically first off the hotel receptionist turned out to be this big Frankenstein looking monster, not the cute nice guy looking kind but the murderous ogre-like looking one. It basically picked me up with one hand by my neck and tossed me into a hotel room where I saw a duplicate of me. But this duplicate had blood smeared all over his face and a bloody knife to boot. I know it doesn't sound too scary but I still feel really creeped out thinking about it. The images were so vivid in my head like they had been seared into my brain via hot metal. Aside from the mirror image me trying to chase me down with a knife I also saw a girl I liked throwing knives at me, take note KNIVES not a knife, and with every hit I took I would slow down, because obviously I was trying to run away from murderer me and murderer chick. Just before the final blow delivered by murderous me, I woke up with a deep gasp.

So this got me thinking, what was this dream about? Why is it happening now? Why was I scared of myself? Is my subconscious trying to tell me something? Maybe the new me is killing the old me? Maybe I just have so many skeletons in my closet that it's starting to occupy my dreams? or maybe I ate bad chicken before I went to bed. Who knows?

All I know is now, I'm trying to think of why I would be afraid of myself, and why I would have a murderer-like mirror image in my dreams. I'm terrified to go to sleep still. Or maybe my self-loathing has gone on to a different level. I really don't know.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Cold Turkey

Earlier on in the day when I had just gotten out of bed, there were so many things I wanted to write about. So many thoughts I wanted to let out, so many things I wanted to say but I ended up not getting to do any of that. I ended up dumb-founded and confused. My brain ended up swimming in a sea of random thoughts, random scenarios, things that could've happened, things I wish would've happened and the things that did happen. And now as I start thinking about all of that and combining all of them together I started to realize that the mind I think is a torture device purposely put into the human body to constantly keep your life in check, never letting you become too lenient, too content, or too happy. There is apparently no greater prison than a man's mind.

You can dream about the best scenarios, anything from getting super powers, thinking of what to do if you got for yourself a hundred million dollars, imagining people naked, imagining a better image of you, and even a true love scenario. What sucks most about this is it gives you such vivid images, it gives you ultimate control over whatever it is that you want control over because you're just dreaming everything up.

But the minute you open your eyes you start to realize how you're just normal with no powers, that you're financially unstable, that the person in front of you is fully clothed, that you DO NOT have a 6-pack and that you're single and alone. I mean seriously why do we even think of such things? Why torture yourself and evade reality for a bit just to give you a taste of heaven for a little bit and then shortly after brutally rip it out of your system. Imagine smokers inhaling on a fine stream of nicotine and then mid-puff just pulling the stick away and never giving it back again. Imagine a mother giving birth to her baby and the minute labor is done just instantaneously take away the baby and never let her see him/her again. Imagine being extremely thirsty and just as you're about to sip on the most refreshing glass of water in your entire life the glass spills over. Imagine finding someone you've been looking for for so long finally giving you the sense of happiness that you think you deserve and then just POOF vanishing into thin air. Why do we play with these thoughts in our heads?

I know that dreaming gives you hope, but at the same time it makes you dread reality. I hope they come up with a lucid dream machine eventually, I think I'd like staying there for the time being.


Monday, January 4, 2010


You know how in battle so many sacrifices are made for the so called “greater good”? Today I realized that life is pretty much just a lot like chess, you have the king and queen, obviously the most important pieces, the rooks, the knights, and the bishops, and then you have your lowly pawn. Now I’m no expert on chess but I do know the rules and I know for a fact that sometimes in order to make your higher ranking chess pieces get the best position for the check mate or even just a check, more often than not you’ll have to sacrifice some pawns.

I personally know through firsthand experience that losing a pawn is nowhere near as painful as losing a bishop, or for more obvious reasons the king piece. It’s just the way things are, you sacrifice the less powerful, less influential pieces for you to attain what you truly want or value. No tears are shed (figuratively) over losing a pawn, and I know this may sound stupid but if you truly see past the game I believe that pawns matter. Does anyone ever care about how the pawn feels? About how the pawn could actually turn the tide of battle? Or how a pawn can achieve greatness given the chance? Queens on the other hand move all over the board, they have the most power, it's the most valuable piece on the board in terms of purpose, when you lose a queen I'm sure you'd feel it. It’d be nice if players started treating the pawn with a little bit more importance than what we usually give it.

They say that for you to be a good strategist you have to value each and every single unit you have, whether it be a pawn, a knight, a bishop, a rook, a queen or a king. But of course this is not how we think, I mean losing in an online game or something is translated to you just got pawned. Go figure.

Interpret this in whatever way you like, it can apply to so many situations in your life. But I guess my point here is to make people realize that pawns have the ability to be great, the ability to do well. I mean after all you shouldn’t forget that when a pawn gets to the very end of the board.. it can be whatever you want it to be.

Treat your pawns right. No matter how lowly they may be.

*I just realized this right before I was just about to post this, a pawn can be whatever figure on the board, except the most important one... The king.

Sunday, January 3, 2010

Oh well..

I heard this song today and realized how much this song meant to me back in the day, I know it's gay but whatever I'm posting it anyway. :) f*cking boy bands and the lyrics they come up with.

98 degrees - Invisible Man

You can hardly
wait to tell all your friends
How his kisses taste sweet like wine
And how he always
makes your heart skip a beat
Every time he walks by
And if you're feeling down
He'll pick you up
He'll hold you close when
you're makin' love
He's everything
you've been dreaming of
Oh baby

I wish you'd look at me that way
Your beautiful eyes
lookin' deep into mine
Telling me more than
any words could say
But you don't even know I'm alive
Baby to you all I am
Is the invisible man

You probably spend
hours on the phone
Talkin' 'bout nothing at all
It doesn't matter
what the conversation
Just as long as he called
Lost in a love so real
And so sincere
You wipe away each other's tears
Your face lights up
whenever he appears

I see you all the time baby
The way you look at him
I wish it was me sweetheart
Boy I wish it was me
But I guess I'll never be...